abstract me

2007-05-19T11:49:00.000+08:00

I HAVE MOVED!

2 May

2007-04-28T11:11:00.000+08:00

wheeee. a couple of days till 2 may before the craziness all ends!
the past couple of weeks have been crazy busy. . but not without the usual oddities like

being mistaken to be a vietnamese national.

it's one thing to be approached by a complete stranger who starts an utterly random conversation with you beginning with "so where are you from?". it's another when that very same stranger gives like a look of utter quiet shock when she hears i am a singaporean not vietnamese and thinks i'm kidding. and i'm like trying to laugh out the awkward moment with "what, i don't look or sound local?" and she replies with a resounding flat "NO." you can only imagine how painful it was to sit out the rest of the train ride.

.
.

anyway more highlights after 2 may when a. i start fully channeling my creative energies b. michael buble's new album come out! woot!

p.s. i'll prolly be helping at zaistudios the immediate period after post-surgery so yeah, come jam okay! (;

Anomie

2007-03-30T21:48:00.000+08:00

The fallacy everyone yearns to hold is to believe that they're alone.
Nobody is ever really alone.
They just don't see who they want to see.

*edit

[ fòûr·*eMïLÿ*·sïx] says:
it's weird isnt it.

[ fòûr·*eMïLÿ*·sïx] says:
i'm gd friends with a lot of ppl, but really, there's nth much to talk to me abt

[ fòûr·*eMïLÿ*·sïx] says:
i wonder how tt happens

says:
well u dont actually, u just sit down and listen to us talk

says:
and laugh whenever something funny is said

yup, i'm definitely in a state of anomie.

Pleasant surprises

2007-03-24T15:38:00.000+08:00

I met GABRIEL today! bbigg bbigg grin. (:
and i can't wait to meet up with him (fangs, if you are reading this: COME TOO HOR!) during my-hols-his-meagre-breaks. .

seeing him makes it difficult to believe i actually shelved away the pleasant 1st 3mths in pjc away into permanent storage.

oh wait. i remember why -

it only makes life now seem all the more depressing and empty.

Life's gripes

2007-02-23T17:13:00.000+08:00

I feel absolutely inept at grasping the immensity of it all within such a short time. oh, what have i signed myself up for!

finally met geri and joey last night. . and i have no pics to show for it. so imagine me, geri and joey talking and laughing and walking around ps as shutters and blinds go down around us.

2007-01-30T19:13:00.000+08:00

oh gosh this student circular is just so precious -

SECURITY ALERT - CONMAN RANS AWAY WITH HANDPHONES BELONGING TO STUDENTS!

hahaha. sometimes i think i live for cheap thrills like that.

Dispensible

2007-01-23T21:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday
I thought it funny
when the uncle crossing the road
knocked on the glass
and indicated someone had died -
somewhere near the junction.

and all the woman behind me did
was to talk loudly on the phone
criticising the bus driver for - i quote -
being "stupid to follow the bus in front".
and a whole bunch more of "stupid" found its way ringing in my ear
when someone could've lost his life.

the craned necks,
clicking tongues,
(amusing) blokes who exited the bus only to board it again later
the folks who gathered to survey the scene.

it became a spectacle.
and no one did anything.

i hadn't known losing one's life at the intersection was simply just another instance of a waste of time.

I don't always throw up my hands in despair
I just press the panic button once many too often.
I don't have issues okay.

Of black horses and cherry trees

2007-01-09T01:25:00.000+08:00

'Change is the only constant.'
of things lost to the wind;
with sand sifting through your fingers
a need to find strength within.

with earl&tuna.
standing your ground.
35 pages to go.
and the buckling of sound.

finally, in entirety
Chaos theory
makes sense of it all.

Psycho phantom last-minute bidders

2007-01-04T16:56:00.000+08:00

With barely 4 mintues to go before bidding closes, I am faced with horrendous bidding stats of 250 vacancies vs. 252 bidders.

I have obviously been lulled into a false sense of security.

So I up my game and voila -- the number increases -- slowly but surely -- to a significant 257 bidders.

Yes, I do hate these psycho phantom last-minute surprise bidders. And I better get that last module.

Pondering

2006-12-30T00:42:00.000+08:00

I am inclined to think that some people are just so daft that they would never get it even if it ran head-on towards them like a truck.

Bidding for modules are such a breeze this sem. . so much so that I'm starting to think it forebodes sth ominous. Still looking for that elusive someone else doing lit and soci stats. Nonetheless,

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Psalm 27:14

Second guessing

2006-12-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

I have a ton of things to say that I'm simply too lazy blog about.

Maybe cos I still am feeling the side effects of having walked out of another debate-discussion with Dad that never ceases to leave me drained and battered. Not because I never manage to out-talk Daddy, because I do. Too many times, if you ask me. And when he whips out his sly smile, I know deep down I have yet again unsuccessfully managed to bring my point across to him. I hate feeling like that. Especially since I haven't allowed Daddy to weasel his way out through any point he brings up, which generally is largely irrelevant. It's another one of those tactics he uses to distract me and cause me to lose focus on my argument - which hardly ever works, though everyone knows I'm quite the scatterbrain. Note: not a, but the Scatterbrain.

I'm not gonna bore you any further (cos if you're reading this I would suppose you are bored) with the mundane day-to-day activities for like the past week. Also, my deepest apologies if I haven't been replying msgs on time and stuff. . I've been busy. This specifically goes out to keith, whose shopping sprees I have missed out on. Really really. But if I haven't replied your msgs in like a gazillion months -i'm not exaggerating here- pleeaase take a hint - I obviously do not plan to or want to or will respond. Don't live in denial telling yourself that I'm just busy. As busy as I am (when I am), the longest it shld take to receive a reply would be like a couple of days. . because I forget things happen when a new week starts. So leave me alone already!

Sidenote, Brian/Bryan has a very keen sense of picking up negative vibes. . everytime I get sick of
a. inhaling fumes/vapour (whether from paint or the lingering leftover fumigation residue)
b. working for free
c. responding to every shriek (that does not come from me) whenever some nasty looking insect decides to make its grand entrance and scare the shit out of all us when i can hardly dare to bring myself to get rid it of it.
. . and sarcasm creeps its way into my speech or body language, he seems to be able to detect it instanteously. So much so his signature "Are you okay?" is fast becoming a reminder to nip my crabbiness in the bud and move on to some other corner of the studio (i.e. the recording room where the guitars and sticks and drums are) before it spawns a vicious cycle of discontent.

I'll have more ~~nice things~~ to say when I'm less crabby and sleep deficient. Meanwhile, enjoy the hymn that has stirred my heart into a deeper appreciation for Christmas.

ONE SMALL CHILD

One small Child in the land of a thousand,
One small dream of a Savior to-night,
One small hand reaching out to the star light,
One small city of li-i-i-ii-ife. O-O-OO-O!

One king bringing his gold and his riches,
One king ruling an army of might,
One king kneeling with incense and candle light,
One King bringing us li-i-i-ii-ife. O-O-OO-O!

See Him lying, a cradle be-neath Him;
See Him smiling in the stall.
See His mother praising His Father;
See His tiny eyelids fa-all.

One small light from the flame of a candle,
One small light from a city of might,
One small light from the stars in the endless night,
One small light from a fa-a-a-aa-ace. O-O-OO-O!

See the shepherds kneeling be-fore Him;
See the kings on bend-ed knee.
See His mother praising His Father;
See the Blessed Infant sle-ep.

One small Child in a land of a thousand,
One small dream in a people of might,
One small hand reaching out to the starlight,
One small Savior of li-i-i-ii-ife. O-O-OO-O!

-edit-
I forgot to mention a certain group of sly poseur-hypocrites-leeches who hail from a certain polytechnic *ahemN*cough*P who PLAGARISED on their FYP. I hope I never see you again you unethical , ungrateful creatures. And make no mistake - I ain't making an accusation.

2006-12-07T21:54:00.000+08:00

It's absolutely freaky when my exact thoughts, feelings and experiences are expressed by another whom I've just met on one of those chance meetings where he's the friend of a friend of friend. It's more than having the words taken straight out of my mouth. Almost like someone's been living a life exactly parallel to mine.
Shudders.
Like I said, FREAKY.

I wonder.

2006-12-07T20:07:00.000+08:00

I wonder.
Is it sad when one feels compelled to record the another's last days?
Or when one is doing the recording itself?
I'm beginning to think it isn't.

Just the other day, when I was watching The LOTR Trilogy (I know, AGAIN.) and it came to the scene between Eowen and King Theoden of Rohan (where the latter dies) when I came to an epiphany.

My body is broken, you have to let me go.

I've simply been too selfish in my approach to death. I've been afraid to lose Gran because then might forget everything that Gran stands for that I hold dear. Everything that I stand for, everything that made who I am, dissipate into the sands of time. I've always been running back to Gran, so much that I think I wouldn't know what to do one day when she isn't here.

I need help.
I need God.

just a little marimba magic

2006-11-16T23:11:00.000+08:00

Asturias (Leyenda)

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Singlish Security Lecture

2006-11-12T22:00:00.000+08:00

Omg, this is uber funny!
On hindsight, I don't know whether I should laugh or cry; ang mohs are turning Singlish into a parody! And the way they repeatedly mention Singapore's local food, it somehow bears the same effect Mark Antony had in his "And Brutus is an honourable man." speech. But i can't say we didn't see it coming. . after all, with all the language campaigns - "Speak Good English" and "Hua Yu Cool" - that make Singlish bear the brunt of negative connotations and misconceptions such as it being uncouth and not a true language. We're denying ourselves the right to assert and be proud of our own identity. Akin to how some Chinese American families end up not knowing a thing about Chinese culture or the language, i.e. their roots. Sad. It's just plain sad. Ironic and sad.

Chivalry isn't dead yet -- Hooray!

2006-11-03T01:48:00.000+08:00

Woot. it's nearly 2am and I AM STILL HIGH. (:
EL lecture in approximately 6hrs. . minus 1.5hrs travelling time minus the time i'll take to finish blogging minus the time i take to get ready for school minus QT = a grand total of 1-2hrs of sleep?

woot. AND I AM STILL HIGH!

hahaha.

German oral was a flop. If anything, I think I turned out to be comic relief rather than the oral candidate. I shan't delve into details. . but the bottomline is I really should stop thinking and chiding myself aloud in front of others. I look absolutely retarded.

Soci presentation was fantastische! even though i chopped my entire presentation in bits and ended up diluting my points cos my soci tutor said we had alr overshot our presentation time by 5 min. . i loooove my soci grp! which i prolly will nv see again since there ain't any more soci tutorials. . kinda sad, really. the peeps in my grp are really really nice ppl. . esp Cyrus who got me sweets when I looked sooo green and nauseatic frm gastric and blank cards to use for German oral. (: I thank God for wonderful ppl like that.

Exams in 3 wks, SEA project due in 2wks, German final sem test in 2wks, German vocab test in 1wk. . i hope i'm still high enuff to last till then!

2006-10-24T18:52:00.000+08:00

honestly, i feel like some Kugel trying to fit into a Quadrat. Exactly like this:

I don't really fit in anywhere. I'm getting claustrophobic, the spaces aren't leeway to be myself. It's simply an illusion of fitting in. And so I continue to uphold this image for the need for some form of social solidarity. Don't tell me it's just perspective. Don't tell me I don't need to fit in. I don't buy that crap. Everyone needs to know someone out there has his/her back.

and in case you are very free (which i suppose you should be since you are reading this) please vote for ELI TEE at http://www.female50gp.com/html/vote.htm. and vote as if your life depends on it. because the rest of the asians look like dufuses and you would if you count me as a friend anyway.

Crazy week

2006-10-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

You couldn't be any more punishing on me.
I've come to the point where the tears well but don't spill over.
I hope you're happy now.
You're not the only one taking heavy blows all over.
I think psychological bruises that dwell underneath these covers are starting to surface and take some physical form or another.
But I won't fall; I can't.
and neither can you.

stuff i really wanna say to your face but will never muster enuff courage to

2006-10-09T21:51:00.000+08:00

i am NOT a one-stop employment agency. Don't make it seem like i'm responsible for your employment status. . i already have enough of my own mundane issues.

i am NOT your little messenger whom you can twirl around your finger. Go relay your own msgs; I no longer work at a business centre. (even then you'd have to pay me to utilise this service.)

If i'm not responding. . take a hint.

cmj

2006-10-03T00:48:00.000+08:00

hahaha. i know it's a ghastly time for me to up (since i'm the i-can't-last-beyond-1am-sort) but i'm reading my lil sis's blog and i must say, i'm sooo amused.

it's not reading about her incriminating little after-school escapades with her itty-bitty friends that's soo amusing, but the way she scripts her entries. . i can actually see her saying all that aloud! and not to mention how tech-savvy this girl has become. . it seems like ytd when she was still tugging at my sleeve asking me stuff like how come she can't hear the magic schoolbus song even though she turned on the speaker (which she didnt cos she forgot the main power switch) or how come her other 'educational' games simply "dont work". and now she has so brilliantly managed to make a very nice class movie armed only with our all-in-one machine and broadband internet. :S it makes me realise that it's time to face the facts. . someone sprinkled too much magic dust over her that made her sprout and grow up overnight. either that or someone forgot to inform me that a she has become a smart ass, techie and a wardrobe invader. oddly enough, much as i can prolly go on on how much she has changed, she reminds me of a certain person i once knew who shared the same unyielding spirit she possesses. .

nonetheless, i thank God for every single waking moment i spend with the pipsqueaks. because they no longer are pipsqueaks who tag along for the sake of tagging along. they are MY lovely pipsqueak siblings with whom i love to sing my heart out with. just as we did at Grandma's birthday bash. cmj, cly, cml, eli, zek, marie and jacob with the guitar. precious. (:

2006-09-30T01:05:00.000+08:00

Was this all a mistake?
Was this all a lie?
Just a massive undertaking to pacify?

Was this given to me?
Or did I take it away?
Did I ever even choose to live this way?

How do I know
What's the bottom line
When the truth can be sometimes so hard to find?

Can I justify
The words that I say?
Would I want to if I could, could I do it if I would?

This is more than a stance
This is more than me opinionating
This is more than chance
This is more than a passing feeling that I've had
And even though I can't know for sure
There's something burning deep inside
That I'm not ready to ignore
And so

I'll wait for you
Cause you say you'll be around
And I'll look for you
Cause you promise to come down
And I'll listen hard
For a still small sound
I'll search for you
Cause you promise to be found

Was this all a mistake?
Did I make a wrong choice?
Did I listen inside my heart for the right voice?

Did I feel anything?
Or was it all in my head?
A dream to make life better until I'm dead?

This is more than a stance
This is more than me opinionating
This is more than chance
This is more than a passing feeling that I've had
And even though I can't know for sure
There's something burning deep inside
That I'm not ready to ignore
And so

I'll wait for you
Cause you say you'll be around
And I'll look for you
Cause you promise to come down
And I'll listen hard
For a still small sound
I'll search for you
Cause you promise to be found

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind but now I see

I remember the day in the park under the tree
When grace was given to me

"So Hard To Find", Obadiah Parker

Subtleties aside, i wish i could encapsulate a befitting response so eloquently as such.
To remember and do the first works.
To remember my child-like faith and love.
I've got to stop lying to myself.

7 “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.”’
Revelation 2 :7 (NKJV)

don't think and it won't hurt

2006-09-29T23:05:00.000+08:00

So CGH didnt turn out as bad.
Except for the fact that i waited (and waited! for i think an hour plus) for the dermatologists to conclude that I have a mild case of eczema and some form of stress-induced skin reaction. . so now i have specially prescribed steriod-loaded meds. woot! another exhibit to throw into my museum of hereditary minor ailments.

on a totally different note, i'm getting kinda frustrated with my German presentation. I can't even say stuff like "XX church was rumouredto be founded by Charlemagne because his horse bowed down where so and so saints died." because . . .

a. i don't know what the german word for "because" is (and every other consequent word in the sentence after because)

b. even if i knew (which i can easily solve with a click of my mouse or flipping through my dictionary), i don't know how to fit it into a sentence cos i don't get german sentence structures.

c. that is a COMPLEX sentence structure in itself. i'm supposed to form kindergarten-pri sch standard sentences like "This is a monkey." or "Xiao Ming is fat." -- both of which i can't accomplish just as yet (unfortunately) without flipping thru the German dictionary like a mad woman.

so all in all, i'm a grammatically and vocabulary-challenged twit trying to smoke thru German. HOW TO COME UP WITH STUFF TO PRESENT FOR GERMAN CLASS LIKE THAT?! :( oh yes, and in the event i do manage to string the Charlemagne sentence together, cursed be the fellow who asks me who Charlemagne is in German, which thereby coerces me to reply in German which i obviously am incapable of doing so. but who am i to complain since i'm the twit who chose to cover architecture anyway. :S

with mid-sem break drawing to a close, my feet are starting to touch the ground once again. and i'm absolutely hating every minute of it. i wish you were here to jolt me out of my complacency and procrastination. but you're not and never will be so i'd just have to slap myself silly till i wake up. or maybe i should do stupid things like talk through objects. do stuff that wouldnt make me think and let my mind wander. hellooo readings, how have you been? what's that? you're still secretly stashed away under the covers of dust and still elusive as ever?

why do we always wait for something to happen to actually do something about it?

i wish we weren't a reactive people.

-edit-
and not forgetting, a moment of silence as we fondly remember Zeus aka Keith's menacingly huge dog tt cld attack ppl at his command.

Befores and afters

2006-09-23T20:19:00.000+08:00

lol. check out an excerpt of what came in the mail:

Dear students

In military term, the mid-term break is 're-org', usually shouted to his tired troops by an exhausted sergeant when the platoon had finally charged up to the summit of a barren hill in Lim Chu Kang or Pasir Laba. Then, the wearied soldiers would quickly plonk themselves down on the spot; took out water bottle and drank to their heart content. But the respite would be temporary as there were probably more hills to conquer! So, guys and gals, have a quick sip of thirst-quenching limenade (a new drink that is taking Singapore by storm, try it!), slap on your MP3, and take FIVE.

normally i wldve choked on the grammatical errors littered throughout the email (especially since it's from a tutor), but i think this guy is wayyy cool. (: and that's not because we share the same family name, mind you. i looove soci tut!

Zum Biespiel

2006-09-19T23:12:00.000+08:00

I am absolutely mortified.

Today,

of all days i might add -- my phone (which henceforth shall be referred to as 'Clammy') died.

and we all know how helpless and lost we are without the one thing that serves as a cornerstone to our life -- don't try to deny it. the worse thing is Clammy has faithfully stored in all my important stuff and numbers for the past year and 1 month and 2 days. and her sudden demise means i have lost practically every single piece of important stuff that i cannot even rmb. . i looked so lost that kor had to double check if i was okay enough to find my way home myself. and to think i used to silently scoff others for being so reliant on their hp. :(

Today,

I utterly embarassed myself in front of the seniors during German class when I subsciously spoke to myself aloud, as reenacted by Cindy on the bus. . and as much as that was a classic blur-cock-sec-two moment, i really really wish i didnt talk to myself in my head.

(in the middle of some memory game, where we're supposed to rmb where cities are and state their location in German, i.e. how far a city is and in which direction with reference to Berlin/Frankfurt.)

Some other group: "Gruppe Zwei. Bremen."

(We all start mentally going thru the list of cities we assigned ourselves to rmb.)

Me: "Oh wait. That's MY city."

(a few secs later)

Me: "Oh no, I forgot where it is."

Seniors in front starts laughing.

oh wells. what's done is done. that aside, i accidentally shared my "Zum Biespiel" nightmare with Cindy and Kit Geok on the way home. . i'm not sure if that was such a good idea. but who cares, it's out already.

hahaha. and Grace and I (or mostly, I) prolly earned the rep for being utterly weird and out of point when we conducted our 'Bukit Batok' experiment on our unsuspecting Chinese (as in Chinese from China) German classmates.

oh, and Today,

i made my constipated thinking face in the library. and before that, Grace and I were doing our eng tut hw together (or more like we were blatantly discussing the answers aloud) and making the retarded faces and sounds in the library and caught the eye of this okay-looking ang-moh who was supposedly plugged to his headphones and obviously not so oblivious to his surroundings. i bet with all my gut that we looked ridiculous since we were discussing phonetics and how sounds are produced.

oh oh. and the sentence/quote of the week:

"You can lie, you know."
- Frau Chen

Because of old ties that I cannot cut off from

2006-08-20T00:56:00.000+08:00

You had better head for higher ground.
'Cos you're really grinding my patience.

Otherwise, it's such a lovely day

2006-08-12T10:00:00.000+08:00

Damon causes exothermic reactions in my mouth.

Yes, it's that caustic. I think part of my cheek is eroding away.

(Notice I'm earnestly avoiding the term (major) PAIN in association with the other term, BRACES.)

Talked to Mommy for a wee bit last night.

A wee bit because most of the time I was racking my brains trying to remember the whirlwind of events and the mental list of stuff I had made to tell/discuss with Mommy about.

So we sat in silence in the dark for a long while till Mommy finally said - "Go do the laundry and think about what it is you've been wanting to tell me."

I don't whether I should laugh or cry.

I've sat in the dark in silence with Mommy a gazillion times before. I didn't even tell her that I was trying to remember. I hate being open as a book.

2006-08-03T12:02:00.000+08:00

So this is how it feels to hit rock bottom.

To be soooo grieved you can't cry cos you're so tired till the tears have dried up before they even flow.

To be so overwhelmed with stinging pain and that lump in your throat that silently, slowly and surely suffocates you.

Sleep and food abandons you. You just need air and water.

Everything fades into oblivion and feels almost inconsequential.

Watching vital signs flicker in your head.

What a lovely way to burn.

Take my hand and never let go

2006-07-31T22:59:00.000+08:00

It's Day 9 and my 3rd day away from Grandma. I ~~listen~~ eavesdrop intently whenever Mommy talks on the phone or to Daddy updating him on Grandma's condition. So I found out today Grandma has absolutely no strength in her limbs at all. She can't even move without feeling worn out or breathless. Bloody hell. Even forcibly moving her against her body's will is starting to be thrown onto the floor for contention. Should we or should we not move her? It's like being in the shoes of a ridiculously obese person who can't even get out of bed. The kinda stuff the Oprah show features whenever it covers weight loss issues. Except Grandma isn't obese. She is friggin frail and skinny.

Mommy reckons if I continue to face her more for longer periods of time I may start sleep walking (if I even sleep at all) and slip into a total breakdown. And the last time that ever happened was when I was four and had psychological issues with something I shall not share about. But it suffices to know it was seriously affecting me. Even huge doses of Norah Jones, Ray Charles, Michael Buble and Frank Sinatra aren't helping. It's like friggin 3 consecutive day/night I've been soaking in their tunes trying to sleep/keep myself occupied till I sleep. I'm sick of watching the clock tick whilst lying in bed in the dark. I really am. I hate to think of the day Grandma will be plugged into life support. I'll flip. I may even die.

I'm soooooo highly irritable now. Even deciding on a decent laptop is really eating me up. Or actually having to reconsider my choices is grinding my nerves. Thinkpad X60s will forever be elusive to me. FOREVER. So hello Fujitsu. AGAIN. I shall save up and buy another lappy. a THINKPAD LAPPY that I can customise without worry of smashing its internal contents into little itty bitty pieces. I can already think of a million gazillion things to do with a Thinkpad. Like fling it on the floor and or use it as a punching bag amongst many other (non-)violent things. Someone throw me a few hundred bucks and contribute to my Thinkpad fund, please. Or better yet, surprise me with one. I'll be eternally grateful. and there's no telling what I might do as repayment in my emotionally fragile state(or so they say).

I realise I may be utterly incoherent and bitchy. But I don't really care. I'm not even making sense to me already, so why should I bother about others? I need to keep myself sane. And that's all that matters now. To stay rational and sane for Grandma. For Grandma.

I bet nobody (except the handful I've told) know what I'm going through. I bet nobody even reads this. I've never felt more alone than now.

And guess who sighs his lullabies through nights that never end

2006-07-30T19:56:00.000+08:00

27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27

Tmr's matriculation day. The end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. Naturally, there's always the ensuing trepidation and uncertainty. I thank God for friends like Fangs for reassurance amongst many other things that my Father has done for me. My walk with God has been bumpy; I've been straying. I have forgotten much and that should not be as such. If anything, I know I'll be walking out of this shadow a stronger person. I can't help but feel Grandma's suffering is a blessing in disguise. I hate to do so, but I'm preparing myself to let her go. To accept that she is going back home where Home truly is. I haven't been sleeping well. I see her when I squeeze my eyes shut. I see her in me whenever I look at the mirror. I go through Kleenex after Kleenex at the mere thought of how much she is going through. I know I shouldnt be selfish. I should let her go. But how do you let someone who's a part of you go? She was part of the mould that made me who I am today. Grief is alien to me. So is Death. To swallow the reality this down all at once and associate this with Grandma is so unthinkable.

12 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. 13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask^[c] anything in My name, I will do it.

John 14:12-14

The truth in this verse (and every other verse in the Bible, for that matter) is so real. We're all so fragile and weak. We're all caught up in the illusion, pretending that we're in control when we're really not and have never been. Nonetheless, Thank You for the miracle that was yesterday and the wisdom to know what to do. . We've been slipping away and now it's the start of something new. For all of us.

Deal.

2006-07-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

This is the hardest entry to pen so far. I say so far cos one day I might have to pen an entry about an event that is so painful I probably would pass out before I even get to lappy. But let's not think about the inevitable which hopefully is a long way to come. It has been a week since it all started and everyone is already starting to break down. . I have this ache-ish pain in my chest (which can be anything but a good sign, I reckon), my eyes are sore from bawling uncontrollably and I've been feeling pretty giddy. I hate being who I am cos I can sense anxiety, distress and even the deepest, darkest thoughts of all who are close to me. It is such a burden to know what is unspoken and hidden in the hearts of those in pain. As it is, everyone isn't actively sharing for fear of this additional burden. But here I am, almost unwittingly prying into their minds and still carrying this burden with me anyway. My awareness of the psychological state of mind of my aunts and mom is such a bitter pill to swallow. Being utterly helpless to do anything about it has never been so painful. The weight of it all is literally crushing me. Heck, it's crushing everyone.

Yes, the Lord is preserving Grandma's soul. Her body hasn't gone into shock yet. But I really pray for wisdom and discernment to know what to do when the time comes. . .and I wish Grandma wasn't that multi-lingual. Then I wouldnt waste time deciphering the language/dialect i.e. Mandarin, Malay, English, Hokkien, Cantonese, etc. and spending extra time crafting an answer in the right language before I can get down to actually helping her. But through this entire ordeal, I thank Him that I can still say this with conviction --

Whatever my lot
Thou hast taught me to say,
"It is well! It is well with my soul!"

Praise the Lord for His abundant love and mercy on all of us!

Such is the power of prayer.

2006-07-27T00:11:00.000+08:00

1 "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”
Psalm 91:1-2

Doctors have confirmed Grandma suffered a stroke and was in coma . Amazingly, by the grace of God, Grandma didn't slip into a deep coma. Her coma lasted for a period soo short it didnt show any obvious signs. Thank God for Ms Wassan and her Bio lessons cos I managed to make some sense of the MRI scan report without much help. . Family hierachy dictates I have no say nor right to first hand information given by doctors. (which is awfully ironic cos my aunts and uncles don't know shit about her day-to-day condition or way of life.) My aunt was so distraught she couldnt remember the specific details so basically most of what the doctor spoke to her about was as good as white noise. I wish hadnt snuck into the technician's room and peeked at the images. Then I would see the bulging nerves/veins/vessels and wouldn't know about the aneurysm. I probably would feel less antsy knowing that Grandma could possibly be drawing her last breath every moment. But that doesn't change the facts. God can and will take her home any time.

I'm so worn out I can literally feel it in my bones. Caring for her throughout the day isn't a chore, but it's no easy feat either. I thank God for He constantly puts a song in my heart so it eases my soul through the ordeal of watching Grandma drift in and out of delirium, with absolutely no sense of time. Yet, deep down I can sense she is actively trying to remember everyone. She's not ready to go as yet. She harbours an immense motivation and zest to go back her normal daily routine. She constantly calls out for me and holds on to me with a grip that is somewhat unusually tight for a stroke patient. She shouts my name whenever she sees I'm not there. She responds to the hymns I play on the piano for her and feels joy and peace in her heart. She's not ready to go as yet. . or at least I like to believe so. Thanks Dy and Louis for being there when I truly needed it the most. Most importantly, Thank God for this passage that rings out loud and clear whenever I sit and watch Grandma in silence as she sleeps.

Psalm 121
1 I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
8 The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.

MO LARS

2006-07-17T18:48:00.000+08:00

After more than a month's worth of writers' block, I've only got one thing to say -- I LOVE MY MOLARS.

It is arguably the single most significant physical thing that's keeping me sane right now. . apart from times when i'm feeling feverish and popping painkillers that places me on the verge of being delusional and indulging in fantastic hallucinations. Especially ones about XX that seriously kills my mood. Somedays, I can't even sleep much cos pain jolts me back from la-la land. Cooping up at home cos of the infection is almost driving me crazy. .

Otherwise, I guess my molars rock my world. The amount of carbos I've pumped into my system (in the form of all things goo-ey, pureed and porridge-y) is making me absolutely nauseous. Or rather, the lack of veggies in my system save for morsels of garnishing and shellots (is this how you spell it?) you get from fish porridge. I got so desperate once I actually cooked a decent meal of carrots for myself -- o nly because I was starving and I know carrots can be eaten raw so if anything goes wrong I won't suffer from food poisoning. But now, NOW THANKS TO MY fast recovering MOLARS i can manage chewing a tad bit, which means I don't have to swallow things whole! I can't wait to start on solids again. Liquid-y diets are literally sweeping me off my feet. Consumption of baby food in public seems mortifying. . especially after this episode --

(i settle myself on some random seat and start painfully gulping down a bowl of pureed stuff. An old woman and her maid plops down beside me a while later. The old woman scrutinises me for a while, then turns to her maid.)

Old woman: Eh! (nudges her maid) you see that girl.

Maid: Ah ma, why?

Old woman (points indiscreetly): What is she eating? Looks so funny.

Maid: (shrugs) dunno.

(a long while after watching me eat and attempting to peer into my bowl.)

Old woman: OH! baby food arh. or fish porridge. Eh why is she eating like that?

(Maid remains silent; I turn away cos everything they said is within earshot. Old woman studies me for a while more.)

Old woman (almost epiphanic): OH! she got those things!

-- I wish ever so much I'm invisible.

Damon, you had better be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

SHUJUN -- in the most unlikeliest circumstance that you are reading this -- please leave your contact details with me! I need to send you your syf photo backk. . before you think I've absconded with it.

Need

2006-06-13T00:06:00.000+08:00

sometimes,

it suffices to just simply shut up and listen.

Systemic Dysfunction

2006-06-11T23:21:00.000+08:00

okay. it's one thing to be watching a murder mystery on a bitterly cold night. but it's another thing to hear a woman scream her head off for a good few minutes at the very instant it is revealed that the female protagonist is in imminent grave danger. mom and i were like this close to reaching for the phone when it dawned on me/us-- some person on the other side of the globe must have just scored a goal. that crazed woman must've been glued to espn or sth. but that scream was no joke. it actually made my skin crawl.

it jolts me back to that very moment. the whole period when my phone bills were sky high and everything seemed to smooth sailing with you around. and it becomes so hard to even breathe as the distant bittersweet memories that i still cling onto dearly start to flood my brain.

i want to shut out the world, shut out the voices in my head, forget my responsibilities and commitments for a while. all day long all i hear is eric clapton's tears in heaven, random marquees scrolling in my head the minute i squeeze my eyes shut and other stuff ringing in my eyes all day long. it's getting irksome and jading to block out all the white noise. it really is. meanwhile, i hardly even recognise the being i see in the mirror. if anything, it almost seems like i'm living a wasted existence. the entire cycle of struggling and rejuvenation is eating me up. so i guess it suffices to say that i'm weary and i'm sick of being in that rut. sick of feeling like i'm living in some shadowy social enclave, sick of constantly hiding. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm still looking for some sort of closure, which probably accounts for these past few years i've already wasted away. what's eating me up the most is that i don't friggin know how things are going on in your life as well. i can't bring myself to take the first step. i'm too ashamed. so i keep delving deeper and deeper into self-delusion. searching, yearning and hoping that some other form of closure exists. i don't know if you're facing the same. i haven't seen, met or heard from you in years. the last move you made -- was that a truce? your implicit manner of ending it all? is the ball in my court? i don't know. is my pride getting in the way? i don't know. or do i? i constantly wonder how you are at every moment.

it's too late to take up amelioratory measures. i've destroyed everything. every chance there was. i took up the most heart wrenching steps to guard my heart only to have it stabbed a million more times everytime regret creeps back in and threatens to hold it hostage. this did not turn out to be the fender bender i thought it would be. it's like a domino car crash that stops traffic almost entirely and causes a bottleneck situation -- the sort motorists hate to be caught in the middle of. except it's almost never going to end. the abuse is never going to stop till i find closure. it's flowing through my veins, surfacing again and again. i'm empty and hollow, and probably might never be whole again.

Something that won't go bump in the night.

2006-06-08T12:21:00.000+08:00

okay. because I promised I wldn't use the guitar blog unnecessarily to do j3 stuff, so i'm posting this here. i'm organising yet another get-together preferably on a weekday within these 2 weeks (to accomodate the ns folks and the guy(s) involved in ndp). I suggest dinner-movie or mainly just dinner to catch up and stuff. I know yong's been wanting to visit ellie at her restaurant. Everyone's invited, including j2s if you guys ever frequent this cubbyhole. Any other suggestions? You know where/how to find me. I'll try my best to accomodate everyone. . meanwhile watch this space for more updates. . unless you prefer more sms-es in the wee hours in the morning.

i'm not dead -- yet.

2006-06-06T13:19:00.000+08:00

So much has been going on that I don't really know where to begin. I'm beginning to be able to firmly put my foot down with much certainty on critical issues, yet in doing so, it places conflict of interests under the magnifying glass. But I guess that's an inevitable hurdle I'm going to have to confront. Most importantly, I'm just really grateful to know my God is with me every step of the way. The reassurance of His rod and staff comforts me as I venture out to demolish each psychological and social barrier. And though ithe fact that I'm embarking on a new phase of life at FASS hasn't sunk in still, I'm fairly certain in the weeks to come it will -- after all, how long am I going to hesitate to claim what God has blessed and given?

And though this may not be some new update, I still have an excess flow of ideas that has been ravaging my head till it's like a perpetual storm in there. I even have to carry a little sketch pad along with me wherever I go. . even scraps of paper hardly suffice. and it's mostly random ideas without the slightest trace of coherence or similarity. . except for the fact that it came from me. If anything, it's gonna be mostly nice ideas that pop out of the idea factory that looks nice on paper and/or in my head. Pretty useless airy fairy stuff as Dad terms it.

Plus, there's something about claustrophic spaces and immense traffic flow that seems to breed enmity at fairs. I got glared at by the Tween, the Cinderella step sisters (think tall and thin, plump and pear-ish) and Bitchy from the opposite booth without even doing anything else but simply doing my job. Of course, I was too stunned by the Tween to react in otherwise but in blithe disregard. I gue ss I didn't look as menacing as my other two colleagues. Especially since I was forced to don something that simply really wasn't me at all.

But the highlight of it all was the espionage -- seriously are there no moral ethics in business? As if the motley crew consisting of the Tween, stepsisters and Bitchy wasn't enough, the folks on the other side decided to bring in a guy to spy on us. LOL. Apparently he wasn't much good cos I caught him so many times till he had to wince and bury his head in shame. Then enter the bosses who decided to take on a more frontal, direct approach. So armed with their daggers in the smiles, ice in each gaze and asp in their tongue, they paid us a group booth visit. From what little I could make out, every word was dripping in excess sarcasm and calculated to diss our products subtly without overtly crossing the line. After that, I thought that was the end of it. How wrong I was. They actually had the audacity to come steal ideas when we were in operation.

Conversely, the reverse remains true too. One of the guys from the tried to pull off a"help the damsels in distress" on my colleague and I as the both of us pathetically tried to dismantle the metal racks. I suppose my ear-piercing shrieks and uncontrollable laughter were too jarring on his ears. Of course not forgetting the amusing antics of my rather plus-sized colleague (who later ended up breaking the rack in two in her attempt to help me ) were prolly too much a sight for him too. All in all, I can safely say we attracted quite a lot of unwanted attention and unkindly stares with the din we were making. . Although, I would apportion most of the blame to the mock 'tug-of-war' that featured me almost being flung off to the other end of the booth and tumbling backwards. Yes, I made quite a fool of myself. But who's to say I'm a clown and others are not?

Bottomline, I'm just glad the fair is over and that I can put a whole load of stuff behind me. One down, a few more to go.

i can't wait for

2006-06-05T17:00:00.000+08:00

the

chionging day with dy and lanxiu!

Look what's up for grabs!

2006-05-26T10:09:00.000+08:00

my job

Why Johnny didn't come to work

2006-05-25T17:14:00.000+08:00

He chanced upon a gargantuan.

and took a prize photo with it
clearly oblivious to the palpable danger
whilst his fellow colleagues were
discussing in a distance.

later that day,
nobody cld find Johnny
after lunch.
so they decided to try their luck here.

hmms.

no Johnny.

so they tried looking someplace else.

.
.
.

and lo and behold!

and that's why Johnny didn't come to work.

Sniggers.

2006-05-24T10:02:00.000+08:00

so it's official. i will no longer be subject to the whims and fancies of my superior or this corporatised version of nan hua any longer as of friday. no more will I be terrorised by what i shall politely term as "technical jargon" nor face the threat of linguistic erosion. I get to retain the state of my mental faculty and won't have to pretend I understand badly phrased and mispronounced orders. keith, on the other hand can continue degenerating at ns! hahaha.

My supervisor cldnt hide the gleam in her eyes, the Asst Manager scowled and frowned and tried ways and means to make me stay, even slapping me with the "stay and earn more pocket money for uni lah!" excuse. ahh. i love having christian higher authority. no matter what, this little pip squeak WILL triumph over the mid-level executives as long as the next few tiers of authority are christian -- or has been proven true in my case so far. Everything leading up till now just proves MY GOD IS REAL. Though I've been made out to seem like a fool in the eyes of my other colleagues -- going ard in circles thanks to useless "reference materials" and executing orders mindlessly (to make it less taxing on my state of mind)-- it seems like my supervisor has become the greatest fool of all after ytd's quiet in-your-face confrontation challenging her methods and IQ. The lost look in her eyes was just so precious. And her attempt at snubbing back was just even more humiliating for her than I ever thought it should be.

[grammar has been edited, that means I cut off the whole chunk where I was trying to understand what she was saying.]

Supervisor : "So. . Did you receive any response from your interviews?"

Me: "Yup."

Supervisor: "Did you get accepted to anything?"

Me: "Yup. "

Supervisor: "Oh. [face darkens] Which one? You went for a few interviews right?"

Me: "Everything. I got accepted into everything. But i'm going to NUS."

Supervisor: "Oh." [seriously black face, struggling to keep her irritation under wraps then walks off after a long awkward silence]

I just want to say I've come thus far all thanks to my God who has kept me safe from harm and her snares. At the same time, I want to thank my supervisor for the very at least, attempting to hide her caustic remarks and agitation at times. Especially since the Asst Manager has issued the mandate that I get treated to a decent meal of my choice and she still has the fork out the money for it.

and. .

BESTEST BIRTHDAY WISHES TO BEN POOI! (AGAIN)

Go Figure

2006-05-19T16:07:00.000+08:00

You scored as Sociology. You should be a Sociology major!

Sociology

100%

Art

83%

English

83%

Anthropology

75%

Dance

75%

Linguistics

75%

Theater

75%

Philosophy

75%

Psychology

75%

Mathematics

67%

Biology

67%

Chemistry

67%

Journalism

58%

Engineering

33%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

2006-05-18T14:58:00.000+08:00

my bosses have taken a sudden interest in a new subject matter -- me. well, so much for "Operation Innocous Shadow". apart from establishing today that I AM NO BLOODY SIMPLETON and that i stand as an exception to the typical profile of your average cjc-ian, I hope my bosses haven't found out anything else. in particular, how i secretly mock the s-engrish standands of my fellow colleagues and selected higher authority. after all, it is pretty difficult to hide the sniggering and the look in my eyes at every single hilarious yet hideous mistake. if their grammar is anything to go by, i would say their conversational english is really really, not bad already. i shan't mention names but EAY tops the list of people whose command of engrish would qualify them to be on my hit list. and to think she has the audacity to self-appoint herself as the unofficial "memo-corrector" -- what she proof reads and corrects i highly doubt i wanna know. i might just end up rolling on the floor even before bursting out in ridiculous bouts of laughter!

a short update on the "share-the-temp" scheme -- which really is working well for me. . much to my other superior's surprise. ha! throw more things my way la. try and torture me la. sabo me with wrong ratios and 'reference materials' somemore la. stupid woman never foresaw that i would love working for nike! the nike people are so nice! like for once, i'm not treated like some freak. or maybe it's just cos my superior used to be an ij girl. *shrugs i get minimal work, get to surf the internet and read international mags. . a far cry from the mother department. i still jump and cringe each time i see that woman's face. (read: which is why i never make eye contact or look at her anymore.) plus,the nike bags are sooo nice! too bad i have to wait like, 1-2 months for the ones i want. which happens to be a very good timing. simply, because. grins. the downside of everything is, i'm looking at and creating more linesheets which translates to me being able to see how many bloody times each item is marked up. really kinda takes the joy out of shopping. but oh wells.

on hindsight, this place seems like the corporate versh of nan hua. in particular, the presence of (evil) cheenah people and some fragments of higher authority who happen to think i'm disturbed bear the strongest similarity. other hints of cheenahness take the form of HK-styled english where you get not so proficient english dripping in a mock chinese-cantonese tone to it. what i would kill to just have a karen mok sound-alike here. people could worship her english and work wouldnt seem so daunting. the greatest dissimilarity would be the folks who smoke to be stick thin (or is it the reverse that is true? i can't tell.) and ah lian-ish mounds of flesh who constantly devise new schemes to squeeze themselves into things 2 sizes smaller than they should be wearing. and let's just not go on to their disgusting mis-matched cheap DIY highlights/dyed hair that is just simply too WRONG. okay, i should stop being critical. i'm the bloody FAT one.

i'm studying Job now. each time i retreat into that private recluse i feel so much at peace. there are just wayy too many things going on in the background right now. stuff i cannot simply just dismiss as white noise and feign ignorance. stuff that i will have to prepare myself to face, to push myself that one notch higher. and hopefully, blindness is not one of them, because my vision's going now and everything is melting into a huge blur.

I think, therefore I am.

2006-05-13T23:30:00.000+08:00

it is officially proven that i cannot function rationally at 3am. i'm sorry to the following people for rousing you from sweet slumber at unearthly hours and being such a killjoy by leaving so early today -- da jie, jeff, yong, gab and mass comm -- great to see everyone of you tho. (=

the grand total of uneaten food i threw out for the past few days is horrendous and becoming a rather perturbing issue. . not only with regards to my state of physical health, but also financial health. wah lao the bills are burning a huge hole in my pocket can! my meals seem almost untouched -- once accumulated, definitely enough to feed a whole village in Darfur or some place in Africa. i'm really really not kidding. i wish someone could pump out my stomach. perhaps i'll feel better. maybe i might feel hungry for once. somehow brandon's "stuff it down your throat and don't think about it" method isnt working. sianjeepuah.

it's pretty freaky, i shut my eyes for a split second and could visualise this design for a pair of pretty cute shoes right down to the smallest detail -- it's like my spurts of inspiration are getting into gear again. and the ideas just couldn't stop pouring in; i had considerable trouble keeping with the maelstrom as i sketched. the quirky thing was that i wasn't even thinking or trying to design anything. . it just flowed! then again, the root cause could be major boredom. . dinner celebrations held at my paternal end are so uneventful, i potentially could shrivel up and die. like whatever la huh.

i feel another wave of inspiration coming on. . will elaborate further next time!

READ: I AM AN NTU GIRL.

2006-05-13T01:34:00.000+08:00

i am totally in a happy sha la la la mood now. it doesnt matter if i have puny eyes that make me look half awake, or if i sound utterly bimbotic. i'm so not bloody cute - you can laugh at me all you wanna. what you see is what you get.

i'm just gonna give everything the best shot i can, and if that's simply not good enough for you, then so be it - i guess i'm meant for sth else better than this.

i'm gonna pursue my dreams undeterred, i'm gonna go where my Lord leads me. He has and always been taking me by the hand; just that i've always been the silly oaf with the huge blindfold on all this while. i'm gonna be happy, believe in my own mettle for once, trod down the path my God has laid out for me.

Not only that, i thank God for friends like Wendy and Lanxiu.

People whom i can trust with my life and be certain that almost nothing can wrest any of this trust or sow seeds of doubt in such a bond.

To have people who are in sync with you for life, who know you inside out and outside in, right down to the smallest detail.

To share mundane tidbits of life, share a gazillion million private jokes with no end, find the right stuff when shopping, and simply sharing.

i'm such a bloody blessed person it's mindblowing.

Eating(finally!) at manhattan fish market, screaming, shrieking, yelping in pain (hur hur) and making a fool of ourselves at the mind cafe, taking photos and talking all the wayy. . i'm gonna bloody miss this luxury -i quote- "five days after someone's birthday". please shoot me noww. no wait - after i send lanxiu off on the plane. I wonder what's gonna happen in the next 5 years. Will we still be the way we are - completely comfortable with each other even at our worst and lowest point - or if it'll all change? now that thought is so disturbing, i'm getting goosebumps - and i'm not kidding here.

The chance meeting with bro has convinced me that i'm bloody fat and that i shall revert to my tried, tested and proven method of healthy weight loss. get ready for a totally not so fair em, my friends.

(read: Bro if you are reading this, hurry up and find an empty slot in your calendar, can. i'm forgetting we're even supposed to go out. *frowns definitely NOT a good sign.)

p.s. special shout outs, waves and hugs to the lovely folks wendy and lanxiu!! geri, crystal, benita, shujun, zif, syai, fangsie, rae lo, bro, yongxin, jeff and guitar folks! i lubb you all!

i need to join a union.

2006-05-05T16:44:00.000+08:00

I am a uber disgruntled employee who wishes to have the right to a proper working environment that does not retard my linguistic abilities. I shall not be held solely liable for any mistakes that occur the course of work especially if I am not feeling well that stems from communication breakdowns - simply because I can't decipher what they are trying to tell me in Singlish as fast as usual. When I become boss, I shall make sure every friggin person under me speaks decent English and doesn't commit grandoise grammatical errors that could give me a heart attack, suffer a stroke and foam in the mouth. This is especially so if it appears in official documents. In the event of that occuring, please do not hesitate to shoot me in the head with a pistol. Death by blunt force trauma can be rather elusive at times. Also, I propose to have dialect come under restricted usage as it alienates people and is a potential source of misery for someone who does not comprehend.

I also want to reserve the right to assert myself where possible and protect my eyesight from degenerating further because of incessant peering over heaps and heaps of documents with font sizes as large or smaller than this. I deserve (as everyone does) to have vision breaks.my eyes are small enough already! )=

Welfare benefits and packages should also be made available to every staff member. I am human, not a bloody automaton and should not be "EMILY-ed!" every time I take the occaional opportunity to rest my strained eyes or wrists. bloody hell, my doctor actually advised me to read "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and "The Purpose-Driven Life", even after hooking me up with uber strong "do not operate heavy machinery" sort of painkillers and muscle relaxants! Furthermore, I was pressured to give up 1 day of my medical leave, pestered on my only day of rest, coerced to cab up and down Singapore just to rush back to work and risk screwing up my chances of embarking on tertiary education - which I think I did. If anything, my priorities lie in procuring my own interests! Yet having said that, I have never wished to shrik any of my responsibilities that come with work commitments. Therefore, it is only justifiable that I should be treated humanely, not like an automaton. With regards to the well-being of staff, one should get a satifactory and justifiable renumeration package - otherwise, discount vouchers off designer labels the company carries would suffice to compensate the lack of finances. This is damn bloody big and affluent big brother conglomerate for goodness sake!

My sense of courtesy and propriety should also not be regarded as an act of bootlicking. I detest low lifes of that sort and should not be typified under the profile of the obseqious lifeserver. I have better things to do like devise a strategy to -in your opinion- "skive" so as to make frequent reality checks and ensure that I still have blood running through my veins and not fuel/electricity/solar powered cells/any other source of energy.

Taking a considerable time to complete a task should not be taken to be tantamount to idiocy. I happen to suffer from a chronic disease that requires me to conduct quadruple self-checks before submission. Not to mention the fact that a. I am totally unfamiliar with the SOPs of this industry and b. please refer to the point regarding communication breakdowns.

-edit- (here's the remaining paragraphs blogger ate up:)

please, shrivel up and die if you wish to challenge who I am or how I work.

Apart from the aforementioned points, I would like to add that I feel a burgeoning yearning to be an activist of some sort. Campaigning for worthy causes, i.e. shutting down Guantanamo, raising funds for places like Africa and Darfur, etc. Each time i look at my half-eaten bowl (which happens everyday, all the time) i feel kinda guilty. So I guess, being part of a union would be a viable avenue for me to direct all of my energy.

Plus, I don't bloody wanna be part of or associated with a bloody politically apathetic organisation that robs me of my public holidays and any shreds of rest. So i'm too young to vote -- it doesn't mean i shouldnt be concerned now, right? I'm not gonna some mindless freak who just simply votes for the fella with the greatest clout without giving it serious thought.

-note-
in view of being the nice person that i am, i decided to spare people the torture of reading ant-sized fonts. nobody should be put through that torture - a sentiment that my superiors do not share with me, unfortunately.

Oh gosh, this is turning into "Why I should quit my current job" list. )=

walking

2006-04-27T15:54:00.000+08:00

i should probably consider taking a break. i'm pushing myself almost to breaking point -- rejecting sleep (to work, of course), appetite re-adjustments and long periods of standing till i'm very very very sure now i'm gonna get vericose veins when i'm old-er. )= according to keith's 'litmus test', i am somewhat down with the flu again -- i can't taste beef noodles or the really really salty salty vegetables. i'm becoming like every other woman in my family -- popping panadol, sleeping barely a few hours a day and leisure constitutes the few hours spent at church and actualising plans to watch certain programmes aka all 3 CSIs.

i'm also forgetting things, of which i attribute most blame to the causes above -- my usual blur self aside. the worse part is, these are very important things, in fact. take for example the significance of 24th april. it happens to be a really really eventful day -- all of which i should already know and need no reminding. Here's an excerpt.

mental post it :: 24th april
1. GERI'S LEAVING FOR AUSTRALIA
2. Tze and Ms Teh's birthday

yet, shock and horror -- i missed out sending geri off at the airport!! i can't imagine how that is possible, but i did anyway. i absolutely forgot! it's ironic how i tried to avoid doing so and yet still end up making the same mistake! I'M SO SORRY GERI! hopefully history won't repeat itself when lanxiu and bong go off too. i'll nv forgive myself. and i'm honestly beginning to see truth in what keith said about me dying of a heartattack if the whole lot of my close friends die. cos i really think i would.

ytd's interview at MOE was okay, though half the time i didnt really know what i was saying and went out of point on quite a few occasions. . but most importantly, it was great to see wendy (both of them) again! especially dy! i don't know why i have this joy that's spilling over. omg this sounds so juvenile. i hadnt realised i missed my close friends so much. )= i'm so emo i can't stand it la. dy and i literally had to tear ourselves from each other. i even lost count of the number of times we bade each other goodbye. )= i miss my secondary school days! speaking of which, i saw Loh Leong Beng and my sec 1 history teacher "quail head" -- thankfully no "Sphere of Evil". . the former minutes before my interview. *shudders* the guy who thought i was "disturbed" and had excess frustrations pent up inside me -- what an idiot. ms norrita and ms wassan definitely kept an eye out for me after that. and i digress. i miss those days xiu and i stayed back accompanied by hippo, bell, dy, weisi, ryl and dine to do up the class notice board and other stuff. i miss days where we all just sat down and played mahjong and talked and laughed like there was no tmr -- simply just living in the moment. the class chalets where we just stayed up, talked nonsense, tried to plot our futures together and poured out our heart and soul to one another. i really really miss all that. it all seems so distant now. even meeting up seems so difficult. granted, i'm the one who doesnt attend most of the gatherings cos i pump every single bloody millisecond of everyday working thanklessly. no that i really want to be gratified, but sometimes i just feel like cheap labour. cheap, cheated labour. but that's a whole issue i gotta take up with certain relations.

but throughout this entire blur (okay, with me almost everything is a blur.), i feel i haven't really lost my footing -- it's just my flesh starting to buckle under the pressure. it's probably more like this certainty within me (despite having no knowledge of whatever i'm doing) that i'm handheld into a particular purpose and direction by God. i'm going somewhere, just not sure when, why or how.

and because He Lives,

i can face tomorrow,

because He Lives!

All fear is gone!

and because I know,

I know He holds the future.

And life is worth the living

just because He Lives!

submerged

2006-04-24T15:41:00.000+08:00

i'm swimming against the current.
my head is spinning,
my eyes are watery,
i can't taste anything.
i'm frozen.
my post-it notes do not work still.
chinese (and every form of dialect) and bad english reigns supreme.
very soon,
every other part of me will be impaired.
and i'll cease to swim.

walk

2006-04-19T14:19:00.000+08:00

11 The LORD will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

Isaiah 58:11

so everything's been much of a whirlwind and i really really don't know where to begin. this week's highlights include the jump back into employment at Wing Tai Asia after a couple of days, the MOE interview letter, the tuition kid, geri's flight to australia, meeting jamie at recruitexpress, back to back days of interviews, among many others. . Nonetheless, only one thing stands out - Isaiah 58:11 - so no matter how disturbingly blur i am, I know i'm not leading some aimless life. i'm not blessed with luck; i'm a child of God.

Twice, His

2006-04-14T17:57:00.000+08:00

A little boy was playing on the banks of a river with his brand new boat - a boat he had spent much effort on with his father in building, piece by piece. He placed the boat into the gleaming water, admiring his creation and beaming with pride as he glanced at the side where he had printed his name in big, bold letters. However, the winds picked up and blew the boat away - out of the boy's reach. He chased after the boat, frantically running after it but the boat was swept away into the horizon by the strong current. Bitterly disappointed and upset, the boy went home inconsolable, never forgetting how he had lost his little boat. As each day passed, he found that he could not stop thinking about the boat -- he simply did not have the heart to replace it -- it was his! His special little boat!

A few weeks after the incident, the boy was walking home from school when he saw a familiar sight in the glass display of a toy shop -- there was his boat! Lying behind the glass was his precious boat, the very boat he thought he had lost for eternity! Excitedly, he bounded up the curb and into the shop, never taking his eyes off it as he went. He went up to the shopkeeper and said, "Sir, can I see that boat? It's the boat I lost it in the river." The shopkeeper said, "That boat's a mighty fine specimen, my boy. I'll give it to you for $5.". Fingering the bold print he had neatly written on the hull of the boat, the boy then offered to pay for the boat without so much as a second thought -- throwing in every single bit of his savings for something he knew did not and should not have cost as much. He scampered home to get the money and ran with all his might back to the shop. As the shopkeeper handed the boy his boat, the boy took it gingerly, cuddling it and said "Now you're TWICE MINE! I'm never going to lose you again!"

9 “As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.
11 “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. 12 This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. 17 These things I command you, that you love one another.

- John 15:9-17

Crimson Logic

2006-04-07T16:47:00.000+08:00

It's bloody wretched feeling when you make plans well ahead of time and they eventually get cancelled last minute anyway -- and you're powerless to do anything about it. that just about sums up my entire week, unless you count the endless days of watching the clock tick each moment and second away and occasionally disrupting the usual routine of rushing to work, reading, making lunch plans, dozing off, waking up, stoning, munching on something, dozing off again and/or reading a book with the frustration of almost never winning Solitaire, being unable to spell brilliantly long and cheem words on Yahoo! Bookworm and secretly running off to 7 Eleven at the end of the street and back. Yes, I'm ranting and raving like a mad woman bored like crap because I'm bored to death and I don't seem to have any other job prospects despite being frightfully aware of my impending unemployment status.

Even though I promised yongxin I'd sound a little more positive, cheerful and happy in my next blog entry, I'm sad to say I CAN'T. Yes, I'm sorry I have to retract my words -- I haven't let my "Yes" be a "Yes" and my "No" a "No". I'm haunted by thoughts of what I did to M -- I have been for the last few years and probably will be forever -- no prizes for guessing who it is and why. I'm starting to get freaked over my university applications; hence my desperate interrupted calls to Lanxiu this morning in search of tangible assurance. (Thanks, darls!) Ultimately, I haven't learnt how to face my inner demons. And it sucks especially now, since louis, jeff and yongxin would already be at tekong, getting their crowning glory shaved off and bracing themselves for the hell that is to arrest their lives for the next few months. This effectively means I won't have the luxury of sms-ing/msn-ing or talking to them as and when I feel the need to spew and let everything out. sianjeepuah. As if that's not bad enough, the closest things to attaining my dreams of studying Egyptology and Criminology are Christian Jacq's tasteless plots (yet with detailed descriptions of Ancient Egyptian culture) and thoughts of taking up that 'half-degree' with the University of London external programme. Yes, at this very moment now, my human existence sucks like hell.Yet, spiritually, I'm constantly being reminded that I have an obligation to be a living testimony for God, which leaves me confused and schizo-like cos it's as though I'm operating at two levels as two (or more) totally detached individuals. Each passing day sees me achieving almost absolutely nothing, simply wasting away and vegetating while I try to cultivate patience that comes along with tolerating the blaring loudmouths who constantly complain REALLY LOUDLY EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DAY WITH NEW COMPLAINTS EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DAY and never get tired of it. That, I tell you is my ONLY achievement EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DAY, because it's so freaking hard to treat it as white noise. Sometimes I feel they might as well complain into my ear because that's how it feels anyway. EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DAY.

The more I see of this world, the more jaded I get.

The more this world reveals itself to me, the stronger my faith gets.

I am on the earth but not of this world.

and I can't wait to go home.

distraught

2006-03-19T18:07:00.000+08:00

for someone ~~preparing~~ attempting to enter uni, i am pretty stupid. stupid enough to get so caught up with work to forget about meeting IMPORTANT application deadlines such the NIE one. stupid enough to send my application to every instituition i.e. NTU and MOE except NIE. the bottomline is, i really am STUPID. i don't even dare to tell my mom about it. i can already see her flip from my mind's eye. Oh, pray tell how ridiculous this sounds - a teacher's daughter simply forgot to apply to the institution itself to become a teacher!

and in case you think i'm having a fine and dandy time at work, let me dish out the latest - I'M NOT. my superior absolutely hates my guts. . since when and why, and how can I, (wow, it rhymes!) the lowly 'A'-level temp be of threat to anyone - much less a superior? i don't get it. i simply don't. getting yelled at by couriers and lawyers (prolly a reason as to why i've lost almost all shreds of reason, cos these people are absolutely rude and sometimes, unreasonable.) and being coerced to swallow whatever pride i have has become a daily affair. Thank God this is TEMPORARY. i count the days till the end of this stint. then i can peel the memory of that place off me like a sock - stupid abbreviation they give themselves anyway - like a mundane daily affair I take no notice of. . heck, i dont even wear any footwear that warrants socks nowadays!

and damnnit, please spare me from all your hypocrisy - i can see it in your eyes! right up from your "Oh-s" to the 'pitying look' to the faux crestfallen look. Sure, my grades ain't encased in all the glitter and glam as does yours and you would probably kill yourself should you ever find yourself in my shoes, but however lost I feel I am, I'm content with my lot. I pride myself in taking the road not taken by many; I relish in the challenge - so there! you might find what I say contradictory - I couldn't care less! However much I wish I could just run, Sense always catches up with me. Then I see his face again, crystallised and forever etched in my mind. And I know I can't run; I don't want to be haunted by another. That's why I not going to let the likes of you and your posse get me down!

. . and i really should stop my ranting and raving, cos TODAY the LORD answered my prayers! I've finally been cured of my writer's block! hurrraaayy!

p.s. to people like tze, ele, yong, louis and lanxiu (in absolutely NO PARTICULAR ORDER - I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH) whom i've neglected/cancelled appointments/forgotten about appointments unwittingly/apologised till "sorry" seems to e meaningless/all of the above, I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN IT.

fester

2006-03-02T13:11:00.000+08:00

to all my beloved friends who did exceptionally/relatively well, in particular, ben and xiu - heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS!

to those who felt you didnt do well enough or fell short of making the mark - don't blame yourselves, cos if you think about it rationally, it aint anybody's fault - you put in the best bits of your heart and soul. even if you (feel you) didn't, just simply move on - forget the should've-s, would've-s and could've-s - cos lost time cannot be redeemed, time cannot be reversed, split milk can only be cleaned up. i love you all, no matter who or what you think you are. don't take to flowery language and most importantly, don't let the expectations of others or their glances get you down! we're not determined by pieces of paper. . . even though they are keys to the next phase of our future. different keys lead to different places. . take comfort in the fact that you're not gonna be automatons or religious followers of uniformity - the challenge lies in taking a different route! other limitations that vary according to your circumstances only make the journey more interesting. . or at least i choose to see it that way. and simply, if you need ears, shoulders, hugs (and information on engineering, or more specifically bioengineering) - i'm here always anytime.

much much love, folks. don't let the negativity, hatred and all that fester. it does no good to anyone. .

everything leads up to WEDNESDAY

2006-02-27T14:22:00.000+08:00

nan chiau high (however you spell it) just called me and asked if i could stand in as a chinese relief teacher. a much abashed me mumbled a reply - "no." - that rattled my innards so violently i thought my vision blurred. i'm ashamed to say that while i am almost desperate to shelve away thoughts of unemployment with just about any job, my mother tongue just isn't strong enough to be part of its pedagogy to give it enough justice. chinese triggers off alarm bells in my head, just as math does except to a much smaller degree. i'm beginning to think every friggin school within an accessible radius of 10-20km of my home is simply stuffed with bored automatons who are trained to take down one's name, i/c number, contact number in this precise and standard mechanical fashion and/or repeat "i'm sorry our school does not need anymore relief teachers. okay, bye. *slams receiver". maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. maybe i should just simply throw in the towel and face reality - i'm gonna be left drifting alone to some obscure, neglected island while others happily plot their way back to the heart of civilisation. and it's ALL MY FAULT. gahhh!!

my soon to be ex-colleagues are very nice and thoughtful people. they have ~~secretly~~ conspired against one of their own to be the guard dog, whispered amongst themselves and gathered a smorgasbord of suggestions (from professors!) on good eat-outs. for once, i'm actually showered with "Hi-yeeees!", jokes and flattery from professors *raised eyebrows*. i even found out that the person who i hardly ever meet/see/speak to was the very individual who suggested it in the first place! those who have already gone on leave have given me my farewell present too. *BEEEEE-IG GRIN* there was even one who had to seek the approval of yinyin on the present she got me before she actually gave it to me and asked me (again and again) if i liked it. aaaawwww. ain't that sweet? as long as i know it's from the heart, it suffices to put a grin on my face. but they don't do a very good job of hiding it tho. i stumbled on their secret rendezvous one too often to know too much. gosh am i leaving a fun bunch behind or what. .

foreboding

2006-02-25T12:56:00.000+08:00

i'd appreciate it if nobody insists on me sharing with them on this.
i'm sure you don't have to click on that to know.
my massive headache.

scum of the earth,
rise and meet your master.
and that's definitely not me.

dribblestix

2006-02-21T16:08:00.000+08:00

i'm absolutely disgusted by the recent spate of interest garnered by rumours of $8/hr pay.
for one, the job ain't only about the pay. (and FYI, starting pay is $6/hr. bloody hell, i worked hard for my well deserved raise, okay. try juggling 2 major projects and your day-to-day duties at one go and see how you like it la! and soon-to-be NSmen need not apply.) it's about the scope and THE PEOPLE.
Prof. CJRS rocks my socks. i have utmost respect and admiration for him (and his wife's fruit mince pie.). His kind and gentle ways - not to mention his attitude towards work - seriously bowls me over. i'll never forget his kindness and concern, especially the day he looked out for me. i've never seen any outsider do that.
then there's YIN YIN, whom i've known for almost a month. she looks out for me like the da jie i never had. all the advice, guidance and patience that emanates from a heart that truly loves God. . i promise to visit IF i get in!
not to forget, ANNIE!, the sassy tai-tai grandmum for her kind understanding and patience. . and for standing up for me, the lowly temp.
and not forgetting, the ahm-g-cough-a-ahem-y flamboyant fellow latecomer who's really quite nice and looks out for me too.
i'd better stop here, or i'll literally have to tear myself away from this place.
maybe i'm just some sentimental sucker of drama queen.
i don't know.
but i do know ppl like me get hurt the most.
and when left to my own devices and self-defence, i tend to hurt others deeply too.
i need a more satisfying and fulfilling job.

pendulum

2006-02-20T15:18:00.000+08:00

barely an hour ago, i was so so mad i could feel my temples throbbing and i was ready to splatter blood all the over wall. i swear i'll never take anyone's word for anything again unless there's material proof. when it comes down to saving one's hide, even familial ties can be thrust aside and forgotten. when in times of need, you frantically search like you're looking for the key you carelessly threw away.

it's bittersweet sorrow leaving NUS. i'm throwing away a promotion, a raise and arguably, one of the best crew of superiors one could ever encounter. the worst end of the deal - i'm leaving for the sake of my sanity and another job for what's considered minimum wage here. yet if i stay on and try to psycho myself that all's fine and cotton dandy i'm clearly in denial. then again, i prolly won't get my own cubicle nor have the freedom to determine what i wanna do. oh, how i wish the relief teaching post would come soon! (FYI, i just sent in my application today. kinda late, i know.)

and just when i'm fairly convinced that my life isnt a soap as don claims it to be, my life takes a dramatic turn ttx sooooo soap-ish. oooh the irony of life! even today's bible verse of the day fits in perfectly to the plot. (then again, IT IS the LIVING WORD. so that doesnt really count. I THINK.)

i woke up this morning with a bad hair day (if you've known me long enough, you KNOW the odds of this happening is as much as sheep drinking running water and surviving the whole ordeal without choking to death.), spent an eternity looking for my keys (fine, so this is normal), mad-dashing to the mrt only to find that i had forgotten my ezlink card and had no spare change. it was too late to head back home so i embarked on some mini quest to hunt for someone with change. . some lady had to take pity on me and give me some (bless your soul, ma'am). needless to say, i missed my train and bus and voila! mean bitch got to scribble down in her secret notebook of emily's attendance - "SHE WAS LATE AGAIN. (insert time and date)". i dont know why she hates me so much, so much so that i feel a need to leave. and just when i thought things couldnt go wrong any further, i receive news of me not being able to cash in my raise (which was ALREADY 2 MONTHS LATE. i'm seriously underpaid i swear) and that if i left now, at the original stipulated term (end of feb) that falls short of the new appointment (up to end of july) i had initially agreed to, i would forfeit the raise.

you could probably only begin to understand my angst if you were in the same line. it's frustrating enough to find challenges and joy in monotony, but to prepare 406 packages containing personalised letterheads, inserted namecards of varied persons and brochures without any monetary reward is really daunting and well. . daunting. i can't deny i wasnt motivated by the moo-lah, cos i was trying to prove i was worth the pay. afterall, the priniciple of net advantage still stands okay! and the next thing i knew, i saw this:

And when we cried unto the LORD God of our fathers, the LORD heard our voice, and looked on our affliction, and our labour, and our oppression: And the LORD brought us forth out of Egypt with a mighty hand, and with an outstretched arm, and with great terribleness, and with signs, and with wonders: And he hath brought us into this place, and hath given us this land, even a land that floweth with milk and honey. And now, behold, I have brought the firstfruits of the land, which thou, O LORD, hast given me. And thou shalt set it before the LORD thy God, and worship before the LORD thy God:

Deuteronomy 26:7-10 KJV

and i receive news of a job application that requires immediate confirmation of acceptance. more developments ensue, i get the job, i still get to pocket my raise i worked so hard for (read: i love my AO for that! i shall make it a point to visit her if i make it to NUS. *nods) and blah blah blah. sry i lost steam to craft it in an interesting way. . i'm knocking off in 3 minutes. so will update more soon!

and as a sidenote, i really think happy people don't get gastric. cos they can't feel pain when they are overflowing with joy.

post-its from a disgruntled stomach

2006-02-15T17:31:00.000+08:00

ytd was absolutely nauseating.
i felt entirely sickened, right from the depths of my solar plexus -or maybe spleen, as the Greeks would say it.
i actually had a strong urge to puke - not kidding here, i had to go hide at SPOTLIGHT *insert picture of bright, warm and friendly sun, green pastures glowing and candyfloss clouds with chubby faces- at the sight of a sea of lovey-dovey couples draping on each others' shoulders. i'm not being disgruntled, jealous, sore or anything. . but i felt absolutely sick. i have no idea why i'm so affected, but i guess the host of drapes was just to overwhelming. . i've nv been a fan of mushy stuff. eek, i feel like puking even now at this very moment.
so you cld roughly guess the magnitude of glee this morning when ernest (yes, my *ahem g ahem cough a ahem y* colleague) and i viciously snubbed v-day in secret, away from the earshot of married folks and ppl who were to be married, tucked in a secret corner, one pretending to make coffee and the other pretending to pack up post-presentation stuff. i'm beginning to think we're evil, hahaha. but at least he was fast enuff to take my mind off rather severe gastric pains with such a topic. *nods* yong's right, this is an overtly hyped up commercial conspiracy.

anyway, i absolutely looooovvvveeeee my office! not only was i not penalised for being an hour late - yes, it was an hour's worth of wincing in pain on my sofa- the office peeps were really accomodating. . no sign of furtive glances or extra work. . so GOD IS GOOD LA! anyway, i'll prolly continue this entry some other time. . time to knock off!

2006-02-13T23:18:00.000+08:00

I AM STUPID. i really am.

such is the power of prayer

2006-02-09T16:55:00.000+08:00

Remember my #1 complaint about work not too long ago?
Remember how disgusted and petrified i was?
I no longer am, for He has heard my prayer speedily - Praise the LORD!
the cheekopek now keeps a wide berth - get this - he sends a representative to me to get his errands done! that's very far away from me!
since the cabinet restructuring, the mean bitch ain't mean no more - cos she's in deep shit with much work to cover to bother me!!
and as weird and childish this may seem, i suddenly hear the all familiar line from a song my peers and i used to belt out in kindergarten/sunday school - "My God is BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY, there's nothing my God cannot do, FOR YOU!" - cute actions and all.
(= (= (=

colour-in rainbow

2006-02-04T10:48:00.000+08:00

i felt very much encouraged by dy's msg ytd. . but dozed off - in the middle of a mummy show! before i could text my reply. . i think one of the greatest blessings bestowed onto us is to start off with nothing and end up with a whole bunch of stuff - so much it's too much for you to grasp.

so a special note to the individuals below - thank you for colouring my rainbow.

yingxiu: thanks for your concern. . but i'm okay la. . my boss knows about the cheekopek already! hahahhaha. all the best in your search for a better paying job!

beni: yes yes I WILL APPEAR SOON! hahahaha. i'm okayyy! currently. . I JUST GOT PROMOTED! hahahaha. all thanks to OUR JEHOVAH JIREH! (=

kakeru: thank you! hahaha, yes i still like choc!! you take care too and have a gr8 time at ac!

christine: heyyy woomaanN! back from china already?? must meet up soon. . are you working now? then maybe we can work out sth. .

jamie: heeellllooooO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha. havent heard from you from so long. . so it's a pleasure to see your tag! heh. i'm okayy la. currently really really busy with work tho. . the office folks i work with are quite nice and funny. . but the workload's piling up after nus extended my contract. .

karen: *screams squeals* WE MUST MEET UP THIS COMING WEEK OKAY!!! NVM IF WE'RE THE ONLY ONES PRESENT!!!! hahahaha!

louis + ben: you guys rockK! though we all really gotta meet up soon. .

see yuen: i'm gonna do this as many times possible my dear dear friend!!! HAPPY (BELATED) 19th BIRTHDAY POH SEE YUEN!!!

bittersweet surrender

2006-02-03T11:25:00.000+08:00

it's easy to take things for granted, especially those brave men and women in the service industry who remain undeterred in their conviction to persevere on with their jobs. and that means even in the face of those who scorn, spit and spin lies to put you down. most people even forget they are HUMAN.

for one, taxi drivers are stereotypically regarded by most to be middle-aged men who are uneducated/heartlanders worthy of no other higher respectful vocation/plain old cheekopeks who purposely take longer routes to cheat your money. cleaners are categorised under similar profiles. why? i don't get it. the indian lady, the malay uncle who vaccuums the carpet and the chinese uncle who works tirelessly on the glass doors and windows and what have you all work without complaint. these old folks - who very well could be your granny or gramps - are slogging day in and day out, picking up after everyone else, always forgotten and invisible. and all that for not even a word of thanks. so what if they are paid to do all that? their money is so much harder to earn then i, typing and sitting at a desk in a comfortable chair and air-conditioned office waiting for my money to roll in at the appropriate time. seriously, i think twice before i complain now. their work is seriously physically demanding, even if you aren't old. throw in old, creaking bones, arthritis, the ailments that come with age, etc. and see whether or not you can endure all that - 365 days of monotony and disgust at how infantile we are.

and you think taxi driving is easy? try being on the road EVERYDAY driving for long hours. . facing an imminent risk of getting maligned/hauled to court, injured, robbed, molested (read: I am not kidding here. .), murdered or a reluctant accessory to murder. not to mention the various complaints and payments for the slightest damages that are unjustified. insurance companies turn against you, you have no such thing as welfare benefits or paid leave. everyday, rental fees accumulate regardless of the regularity of use and drunkards puke in your vehicle. and i'm just getting started.

if anything, i think i grew up this cny.
i've been humbled,
learnt to take a ~~walk~~ hike in others' shoes
and appreciate things even more.
i'm more contented and grateful with what little i have.

. .and no one can take that away from me.

where to find me shld i disappear

2006-02-02T11:15:00.000+08:00

Jarhead
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Fun With Dick And Jane
Munich
Rumor Has It...
Walk The Line
Casanova
Good Night, And Good Luck.
Capote
The Pink Panther
Syriana
The Weather Man
Manderlay
Transamerica
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
Rent
The Da Vinci Code
Mission Impossible 3
X-Men 3
Curious George
The Break Up
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Superman Returns
Cars
Stormbreaker
Lady In The Water
My Super Ex-Girlfriend
The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
Flags Of Our Fathers
The Children Of Men
Flushed Away
Marie-Antoinette

screw you friggin liars!

2006-01-25T17:19:00.000+08:00

i am about to erupt in spasmic rage.
(okay, FINE. so i ALREADY AM bursting in the seams from rage. cue- think the hulk.)
i know that is unbecoming, and yes, we must be "slow to anger and abounding in love" but the next friggin person to piss me off is D-E-A-D.
i can't seem to get that evil, gloating smirk out of my head since last monday.
and i shan't deny that i can't wait to squish you all like a fly.
label me proud, self-righteous, indignant - whatever! i've had enough of being treated callously, as though i'm invisible, some-thing without rights or feelings or mental faculty. I'VE SIMPLY HAD ENOUGH!
someday, just someday you people will scream, and that scream will curdle in your throat, and no one will come to your aid. let's see how you fare then!
whoever said ignorance is bliss, lied.
i'm off to pen my complaint letter.
and on a total different note - hopefully, just hopefully, i won't screw up SAT.
and maybe i should request for leave.
i need employment with benefits that are not of the perverse kind.

now give me a reason why i shouldnt crawl into my innocuous little corner and cry/curl/hurl.

for your cause turned mine

2006-01-24T22:40:00.000+08:00

i'm having trouble taming the revolutionary in me. it's stirring, it's growing and it's robbing me of whatever remnants of sleep i cling on dearly to. don't get me wrong - i'm not depending solely on my human effort. it's not that i don't have peace; i'm just simply high-strung and stressed out. i'm quickly burning out like the candle lit on both ends of its wick, except the length of the wick keeps growing - it won't give out. i won't give up. i'm fighting on even as the tears stream down the contours of my cheeks. don't give up on yourself; i sure haven't.

i'm waiting; waiting in fear and trepidation. i'm afraid to chart the days. and yes, I do abuse myself for your sake. so don't give up!

i once thought it impossible to feel pain, agonised, jaded, frustrated and yet, brimming with joy all at the same time. how wrong i was, always thinking i was losing my sanity! i finally understand now. cos i'll cling, hold steadfastly unto You, my Rock. Jehovah Jireh, My Provider. please let us survive this shit.

please, spare me the false hope.
don't say you will,
cos you will never ever do.

that's how fallible humans are.

2006-01-24T09:58:00.000+08:00

i don't care if
a. engineering guys are like -i quote my dentist (read: eh, this is the real one okay!)- "not as good looking as ___",
b. harf of zhem who pass zhroughk zee glarsh doors are caucasians, PRCs, indians and/or speak in a garbled language i cannot comprehend
c. some professors are perverted, sick cheekopeks who unabashedly try to peer down my shirt constantly

-just a digression,
i've finally won Mommy over to support my "offend-me-and-i'll-sue-your-pants-off" policy which equates to financial backing for legal fees! (yeay me!)

it's simple yet thoughtful gestures like relieving me of (sometimes heavy,) bulky packages and placing them exactly where i want, holding the door, smiling, helping with sincerity and the "please" and "thank you-s" even though they are complete strangers that makes. local guys who point, laugh and follow with their eyes can bite the dust.

' cos it's the small things that count.

balancing act

2006-01-23T09:01:00.000+08:00

When my sister was all of a ripe old age of eight years old, she gave me the best piece of advice that has managed to stay relevant in the face of changing times and tides -
"RUBBER GLUE BACK TO YOU."
- and it stuck with me ever since.

and that's why i can safely say,
i will no longer be bothered by a particular you and your devious, conspiring ways.
i will not be the stumbling block you are to many others.
though i cannot say i am not charged with iniquities (as we all are),
i'm saddened and ashamed to say,
you make me sick.
but dont ever, ever say i never warned you.
i know how humanly difficult it is to find the joy comes from trusting in God in times of adversity and affliction.
no matter what, i'm going to try.
i just pray that your heart hasnt been hardened.

Psalm 1
1 Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners,
Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
3 He shall be like a tree
Planted by the rivers of water,
That brings forth its fruit in its season,
Whose leaf also shall not wither;
And whatever he does shall prosper.

4 The ungodly are not so,
But are like the chaff which the wind drives away.
5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.

6 For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the ungodly shall perish.
Psalm 5
4 For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness,
Nor shall evil dwell with You.
5 The boastful shall not stand in Your sight;
You hate all workers of iniquity.
6 You shall destroy those who speak falsehood;
The LORD abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

*

9 For there is no faithfulness in their mouth;
Their inward part is destruction;
Their throat is an open tomb;
They flatter with their tongue.
10 Pronounce them guilty, O God!
Let them fall by their own counsels;
Cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions,
For they have rebelled against You.

11 But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name
Be joyful in You.
12 For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield.

2006-01-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

i am currently very very very very very very much in love with this sonng.

Sleeping Child by MICHAEL LEARNS TO ROCK

The milky way upon the
Heavens
Is twinkling just for you
And mr. moon he came by
To say goodnight to you
I’ll sing for you i’ll
Sing for mother
We’re praying for the world
And for the people everywhere
Gonna show them all we care
Chorus:
Oh my sleeping child the world’s so wild
But you’ve build your own paradise
That’s one reason why I’ll cover you sleeping child
If all the people around
The world
They had a mind like yours
We’d have no fighting and no wars
There would be lasting peace on earth
If all the kings and all
The leaders
Could see you here this way
They would hold the earth in their arms
They would learn to watch you play
Chorus:
Oh my sleeping child the world’s so wild
But you’ve build your own paradise
That’s one reason why I’ll cover you sleeping child
I’m gonna cover my
Sleeping child
Keep you away from the world so wild

Just an update on the home front, my brother has gotten two more terrapins again. (Somehow i simply can't post the pics of those two ~~pests~~ up so yeah, we'll just leave it as that.) I don't mean to be (for the lack of a better word) mean but this only forbodes the inevitable - death, (secret behind the scenes) whining, panic and disarray, funeral/burial and ooodles of emo-ness. boooos.
anyway, i've forgotten what i wanted to blog about (again, i know). . but here's some shout outs.

keithy! take care loads! (though i highly suspect you won't be reading this. .)

tze! welcome back! though it's not for pretty long. .

louis! eh if i get you the job you've seriously gotta get me my coffeeee! THE same one okay! and no, i'm not moving out from sengkang just so we can go home together. .

switch

2006-01-18T10:00:00.000+08:00

when a day starts off innocently enough - just like any other typical day, where i wake up late cos i subconsciously switched off the alarm clock again and lug myself out of bed to wash up - except my routine gets interrupted cos my neighbours kindly give me a lift to the mrt station, i should know well enough to start listening to my intuition. but i didnt. i brushed it off with the tolerance one has for pestilence and without second thought.

the nagging unrest burgeoning within me just wouldnt go away. . which got me quite perturbed. and i knew why only after waiting eons for the bus at the interchange - i was gonna be 45min late for work, which meant. .
a. my head's on the chopping block and prof toh's the butcher
b. awkward silence on entry, stares and more ~~gossip~~ postulations
c. a hell lot of explaining to do.

digressing a bit, it's freaky how my exit from the train today resembled a scene from all the utopian fiction like 1984 and ourfavouritenovel Brave New World. . so mechanical and . . mechanical! picture this - i'm amongst the rank and file that steps precariously out of train in your heels, make a sharp 90 degree turn for the lift, travel vertically up in momentary suspension and make another sharp 90 degree turn for the gantry. . and cold chills ravage my spine. and that marked the prelude to my impending doom - or so i thought.

why was i going to be THAT late, you say? the selfish me wishes to confer the title of "slackers of the year" to the three bus drivers, who carelessly rolled their buses in AT THE SAME TIME, strolled off for a break and then back, amidst the growing crowd of late, fed up and absolutely disgruntled commuters who had been waiting for the past 30mins or so for the bloody bus. worse of all, passengers were only allowed to get onto the last of the only 3 buses that were scheduled to leave much much earlier. . i'm really getting rather fed up with the transport system. i hate how vulnerable and susceptible i am because of my high degree of dependence on it. especially the way my mobility is entirely governed by this duopoly. in short, i ~~want~~/need a license and a car.

no matter, whatever happened today is enough to churn out enough thru the gossip mill. . cos i got away unscathed and without much explanation. usually anybody unfortunate enough to be in my predicament would've been railed at and sacked. . especially if prof toh was in a bad mood. thankfully he wasnt, cos i don't know why, but i'm accrediting everything to my Father up there for protecting me. . though the office folks think otherwise. . i wish these people will stop thinking i'm a bloody bimbo that gets to certain place with certain connections. it's really insulting.

p.s. if you're horrendously bored (like me), check this and this out.

pro bono. it's not what others can do for you, but what you can do for others.

2006-01-17T13:23:00.000+08:00

5 minutes into this, and i'm already beginning to share this guy's intrigue and obsession.
yeah, i know. . i'm a total sad case. and meanwhile i have gaping holes for blisters that oozes fibrin and platelet gunk profusely - get this - my plasters are soaked through and through after barely 5 minutes! major oww. and as if the coagulation process wasn't taking long enough, i'm feeling weird spasms in my tummy that feels like someone's throwing a spear through me over and over. i guess that's my retribution for ever trying out anything stupid. yes, that's right. i'm the suay-est woman in the world and nobody can beat me at that.

in anycase, today's been rather busy and though yongxin says i sound angsty i insist i'm absolutely not. . . cos there hasnt been anything happening except mounds of work and papers moving off desk and words that bounce off my eyeballs whilst being converted within nano-seconds from lights to electric signals that whizzes through synapses and into electronic forms. (if i'm starting to sound monotonous and science-y, you know i've been working here for too long.) the only thing i can think of that made me tick would probably be that my aunt gave me a (in my opinion, a really old,) IBM ThinkPad and told me to "work magic with it". oh wow. sad to say, contrary to what most people think, i don't need no charity even though i'm earning my own keep. no matter, at least i have a spare project to do to oil those rusty gears going. . as with the whole stack of stuff in the back of mind that i've been planning to do after 'A's since, um, well before 'A's. i guess at this very point i should mention again how unwilling i am to receive my results. (. . NIE here i come!)

another (freaky) observation i made is that each time i make a grammatical/punctuation/spelling mistake i subconsciously punish myself even without myself knowing. . but more on that next time.

ignore

2006-01-16T13:18:00.000+08:00

now that i'm wayy past the anger, i realise I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT I WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT. i think it was sth to do with Daryl's army rations diet. . but i can't say for sure, so whatever la.

anger management classes, anybody?

2006-01-16T11:09:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry i wasnt born with a silver spoon stuck in my mouth

i'm sorry if what i earn is considered PEANUTS to all of you

but you seriously did not need to treat me like i'm some bimbo or announce to the whoever who steps through the glass doors that i'm some -i quote- "poor little churchmouse" (read: WHEN I AM SO NOT! *points OPERATION SELF-SUFFICIENT aka. paying for everything MYSELF. including hefty gifts and bills my siblings hurl at me!!)

it's already bad enough when you brush me off in front of these ppl (the very ones i'm COERCED by the Bitch to liase with) and direct them to someone else WHEN I'M IN CHARGE, and they don't know shit about what they're doing. . but it's not enuff eh? YOU HAD TO INSULT ME IN THEIR PRESENCE!!!!!

OH SO NOW I'M TOOOO POOOR TO EVEN DONATE EH?! well, i've had enough of it! you all think it's harmless chatter; gossiping, making 'jokes' that are simply NOT FUNNY. i can tell you you're working in the wrong institution! you should join those media enterprises that market damn bloody unfunny and irritating gags! look at your bloody selves! i'll be damned if others associate me with you lot! i'm not gonna stoop to your level and insult you cos IT'S SIMPLY TOO LOW EVEN FOR A CHURCHMOUSE, MUCH LESS ME! i just simply THANK GOD i dont have a mother like you ~~(though i can't say the same for my relatives)~~!!

i'll leave God to deal with you!

-edit-

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.

Colossians 3:12-14 KJV

wah lao.

oodles&doodles

2006-01-13T14:20:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna take a break from complaining. . it leaves too jaded and disgruntled. haha.
today was unexpectedly -for lack of a better word- cool, to say the least.

first of all, THE WEATHER ROCKS! hahaha. i no longer need to sit on my frost-bitten hands and wrap myself up in layers just to keep decently warm enough to smile and shake hands without freezing the ass off others.

and the other thing was the retreat. . prof toh invited us to lunch (cos there was too much food catered anyway) and we were quite excited until we peeked (read: okay, so it wasnt really a peek since i had the paperwork. and note, i HAVE the papers, but i didnt LIASE with the people. . so if others on the other side of the globe are starving while we point at the leftovers and go "oh what a waste!" in fake sympathy is NOT MY PROBLEM. and i digress.) at the menu to find THE SAME THING AGAIN. sianjeepuahh.

but it turned to be pretty fun. . though i guess i should add at this point my euphoria could have been influenced by a spillover effect thanks to louis for having renewed my hopes (of a lunch partner-cum-collegue-cum-travel buddy) once again! hahaha. it would also be prudent and absolutely necessary to lift up my hands, jump for joy and say "PRAISE THE LORD!" and thank God for protecting me and leading me thus far. . as i'll ~~might~~ explain later.

so anyway, i expected to hide away in a quiet corner and act as though i'm invisible (as usual) and be unnoticed till the professors adjourn lunch till tea later. . HA! how wrong i was! i got shoved into the buffet line by the HOD and started off on the soup somewhere away from the crowd. . in a corner that was out of the way. . the next thing i knew, prof goh stopped by, then prof casey chan (who had been studying me for quite some time from afar) who chatted with me for a while. . till there was the inevitable awkward silence. other misadventures -other than the usual i ALWAYS complain about. . jeffrey should know- was when i managed to -i swear i dont know how- shift the rice thingamajig out of alignment with a really loud clang in all classic emily style. uber embarrassing, so i made a hurried retreat into the patio. . to sit with teresa.
how wrong i was to think i could spend my remaining time in quiet! professors just took turns to join us. . first was dr dieter, ernest, then A/P raghunath and prof goh. . most folks who actually spoke directly to me took me through the same drill. . except prof goh, which suits me just fine. . at least the belief that i'm 'related' to him still stands and that's translates to one less story off the elusive gossipmonger's grapevine. .

yet the best thing was that everyone hinted to me to stay on! hahaha. at least till the academic year starts off. . EVEN THOUGH a full timer's coming in soon. . and i think the office folks are on a secret betting spree on how long this person will stay on. . cos toilets have walls and walls have ears! hahaha. no la! they kinda openly said so. which is wweeiirrddd.

p.s. sorry if i'm rambling on and on nonsensically, i high on chocolate. . oh yes, and this is dedicated to twinneee!

p. p. s. HEEEELLLLLOOOOOOOO and WELCOME BACK XIU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

go away

2006-01-11T17:27:00.000+08:00

. .quit trying so hard, wl. . cos it's never gonna materialise.

what i would give to curl up snug and embrace the video-rental junkie that i am. . clutching and sipping that hot chocolate in a desperate attempt to keep warm. and when i'm through, i'll bury myself under the blankets and the many videos scattered all over the room.

the heavens can pour on,

the cold can imbibe me into its being
- for all i care.

just stop looking into my eyes as if you're searching for something.
i'll never tell.

fizzle

2006-01-09T09:20:00.000+08:00

what was and could have been.
some things are just too painful to think about.

to melt like butter into crevices of popcorn
dissolve.

*
pingu you are missed.

2006-01-06T11:04:00.000+08:00

0728hrs
mrt
~~(my)~~ fair
LCP Eugene.

*

-edit-

to you
who has
established me as the target of your incessant secret whining,
conspired to drown and murder me at the ripe old age of 8,
else just vowed dedicate your entire being into inflicting pain and irritating the life out of me.
nonetheless,
you rockk!
happy birthday
my dear samuelcheongliyang.
i hope you don't die at peer support camp.
with much love,
jie-la!

mental notes

2006-01-05T16:51:00.000+08:00

you must take notes, you must! else everything will cease to exist. .

you laugh politely, though beneath it all you feel nuances of disgust stimmering in the depths of your inner being, convinced you've never seen lower life than this. you don't mean to be cynical, much less sardonic but you cannot help yourself. you scribble with the imaginery pencil in your head:

i hate myself for being a hypocrite.

you try in vain to rub the blur out of your eyes, throw your hands up in defeat. you scribble again:

politics exist, spelling inevitable downfall.
your enemy may be your best friend.
yourbestfriend, your enemy.

your mind wanders, exploring random trails that lead up to nowhere, just simply following the dark, cold pebble stones. . you grow tired and weary of following. your feet hurt, your heels bleed. you wonder what twisted neverending trail this is.

minister without portfolio my ass.

conspiracy theory

2006-01-04T13:44:00.000+08:00

i have begun writing again, for fear that i might lose every shred of rational thought i have left. i consciously avoid the controversial, such as the age-old debate of existentialism and the mundane and meaningless, as one does when he delves into the issues of one's pain and weariness. 'tis so that i might avoid confusing myself and stumbling over my own thoughts and words and end up losing a greater part of rationality. (read: am i even making sense?) the quizzical looks the learned, greying professors cast at me, peering through the hull of their thick-rimmed glasses never cease to trigger off alarm bells in the back of my head. am i being silly again? or just plain stupid in their presence? i back down and scurry off, leaving them as they sip their specially brewed coffee whilst the aroma of beans waft in search of spaces to fill left by defunct synapses.

-edit-

they secretly mock me, i tell you. behind their closed doors, they snigger. sip. imbedded in every wall, a ear. sip. in the most unlikely places they ensnare you and watch sadistically as you bite the dust. sip. they rob you of your dignity so subtly and subliminally you never realise you've long lost it. sipping maliciously.

and how does one know when one loses his sanity, you ask?

when everything is a lie.

still i rise

2006-01-03T09:50:00.000+08:00

still i rise
i've gots this big wide grin spread all over my face and nothing's gonna bring me down.
huggles goes out to karen, louis, lanxiu, fangsie, raelo, pingu and kor because i miss you alllll loads ! AND dearest dearest geri, ele (hang in there. .) and keithy who's off to face impending doom and irreversible brainwashing come friday. not forgetting ms-my-birthday-is-this-saturday-BONG! you're 19!!
darn, we're getting older.

The faster we're falling,
stopping and stalling.
We're running in circles again
Just as things we're looking up
You said it wasn't good enough.
But still we're trying one more time.

Maybe we're just trying too hard.
When really it's closer than it is too far

Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.

SUM 41 . In Too Deep

2005-12-27T09:01:00.000+08:00

This christmas,

Think of the illegal immigrant cigarette peddlars down at sungei kadut, forced by circumstances to live that kind of life.

2005-12-23T13:06:00.000+08:00

a mother's intuition
*he never came

ytd's 4/6ers gathering rockked. though i hardly talked to anyone else beyond a 3-person radius, it was great catching up *huggles-huggles ryl, dine and wei si! not to forget, poh (SEEEEE. that was fluke. and she wasnt present to hear it anyway, dine.), zheng rong, xy, sophia and xuan. . even though i didnt really get to talk to most people. . like ms-i'm-off-to-find-kelly-my-superstar-friend-poon aka. my other 'twin'. (i think.) oh yes, dear xiu though it was fun, you didnt really miss out a lot. . cos the best part was the tong xiao kbox-ing that dy and i didnt attend. .

mk still hasnt changed a bit. . his mere presence still warrants laughter! hahaha. the moment he waltzed in the whole table burst out laughing. . for no apparent reason! hahaha. cute. and trading updated contact info amongst ourselves was fun when things like this happen:

yiquan: zheng rong, wo3 huan4 dian4 hua4 hao4 ma3 le4.
zheng rong: orh. okay.
yiquan: ying1 wei4 wo de dian hua bei ren tou zou le. wo de peng you ye yi yang.
everyone: *nods in unison
*long pause
yiquan: zheng rong, wo gen ni jiang wo huan hao ma le, ni wei she me bu wen wo wo de xin hao ma shi she me?

HAHAAHAHA.
excuse the bad han yu pin yin. as you can see, i gave up halfway. yes, i know. ban tu er fei. but i highly doubt i'll ever need to be so proficient in han yu pin yin anyway. so there! hahaha. marlin was different, to say the least. i think i'm the only one who changed for the worst; i seem to be the one who put on the most weight, sadistically the only one who thought AQ was fun and was hopelessly deaf and blurrer than even before than anyone else. . not to mention i was (shamefully) high on caffeine - all thanks to my sister - and was bordering on a sugar rush from downing all that ice lemon tea and a caffeine headache all at one go. still quite groggy noww. i wld love to blog more about last night, but i regrettably forgot my cammie AGAIN, so i'll await ryl to send me the pics before i say more. . (cos i can't rmb much abt last night. *sob)

and though i only got home at 12am and got <5hrs worth of sleep, i ironically was the first person to reach the office. . and the earliest i've ever been in my entire working life. thank God Annie and (aunt) Dorothy asked me to tag along to do last minute shopping for the department's christmas lunch today. . else i would have to fend off sleep with a 3409859-82374-94598734ft pole. and still to no avail.

meanwhile, online SAT vocab preps are lulling me into a false sense of complacency and security whilst paradoxically casting a looming shadow of doubt deep within me. i feel like Robert Frost's works. so dilectic (correct a not? didactic- is the moral of the story kind rightt?). Aunt said Joan was taking SAT I too. i'm personally disinterested in her business. as long as she ain't competition.

i solemnly swear i'm up to no good

2005-12-21T15:35:00.000+08:00

i solemnly swear i am up to no good

i'm missing out on yet another outing (with the percs!!!!!!! *STAB ME) because my fifth-fourth granduncle died. i personally have no idea who he is, how he looks like and have never heard any ~~significant~~ anecdote from anyone on my extended parental family. call me morose, heartless, cruel, cold, whatever, but i seriously find it hard to attend someone's funeral without knowing him at all. heck, i don't even know his name! then again, i'm not saying i shouldnt go attend the funeral, cos after all he's family and well, there are blood ties. so, so sry perc freaks. especially crys and syai. )=

i have unilaterally decided to take SAT albeit the feverish mad scramble to scour for resources and the very haphazard manner of decision-making. but heck, who cares? i've even applied leave for tmr just to sign up personally. . (read: so keithy & geri that means i can go lunch at sizzzzzllerrrrssss with you all! provided you don't mind waiting. .) but i've resolved to doing like a gazillion online SAT prep tests (anyone with gr8 SAT resources please tell me!!) i can find and take up lanxiu's offer to lend me "big fat SAT book" (SHE IS SUCH A DEAR! esp since she's in taiwan.) and bob's recommendations on SAT preps. . i so regret not making this decision earlier. .

and i THANK GOD that i made a pact with dy, that i'd spend only 5% of my entire combined salary. . else, i would have spent most of my salary on stuff in my lists, i.e. things that bounce off my eyeballs and seem to be worth the money, covet and be hopeful lists. and not to forget all the money that goes into gatherings. . the irony of spending before i even get my paycheckss. RAHHH! but the company is fun. . cyah 4/6ers tmr!

trivia: why does ghoti = fish? *grin

2005-12-20T13:42:00.000+08:00

conspiracy theorist

as of today, i have the hugest stack of invoices EVER in my IN-tray. and except for a couple of bloody screwed up from head to toe POs, everything's fine and dandy finally having sth very much substantial to do!! oh yes, i have decided to call the witch "GENERAL M." as Ernest suggested. cos she doesnt ask, she ORDERS. *evil cackle in the background. (and no, he's not mybestfriend thankyouverymuch. so disproves gab's theory of gays-are-a-girl's-best-friend. so HA!)

whyyy musttt yooou makkeee eveerrryyyonneeee feeellllll sooo unnncommforrtaableeee?

jitters.

2005-12-19T15:59:00.000+08:00

someone please tell me the significance of this:

cos i still i don't quite get it.

2005-12-19T14:41:00.000+08:00

when frequent toilet trips start to date your day. .

hmms. to date, i've started a trend of noisy, squeaky shoes and frequent tea-making breaks to fight off the cold in the office, committed to memory the faces of all the chee-ko-pek professors, cleaners and students and resigned to the inevitable though occassional rude jolt whenever Prof Sheppards thunderous voice shatters the silence. (read: please excuse the listing. i knoww, it's a very bad habit.) oh yes, and who can forget the ab-toning exercises in the office as i fight hard to muffle my laughter at the antics of the office folk and a. prospective students, whose heads are on the chopping block/ in danger of cutting off funding b. asian staff/visitors and what not who adopt a phony, poseur accent when they engage in conversation in a pathetic attempt to seem professional. okay, so i'm mean and a tad bit sadistic. so sue me.

today's thought of the day is about TEA BAGS. (cos after all, i dump lotsa tea bags anyhoos.) seriously, has anyone thought about how wasteful teabags actually are? like after all the effort of the cheap, abundant labour in china, india, burma and God-knows-where-else, these cultivated leaves get dumped into not-so-tiny packaging, get brewed once and are only good for nothing else after that. worse, people don't even think (twice) about all the effort that goes into good tea. then again, almost everything is mechanised and taken for granted. and i digress. i've forgotten what point i was trying to make about tea bags. or was it tea? (read: you see what i mean?)

the other, is whether or not art should be tuned for the masses or the masses tuned to art? that one i think i'll it for tomorrow to ponder on. the deadly concoction of fatigue, frozen fingers (guess who's?), water retention, *ahem ahems, he-she-its, chee-ko-peks, prying eyes that plague me is really starting to irk me. now i wish i had a doppelganger. a clone. whatever. as long as that other me is stronger, more elusive and capable of realising whatever it is that goes on in my head. i'll be one happy girl. thank you very much santa for indulging me.

and after scrutinising NUS's webby a gazillion times, i have decided to major in SOCI or ENGLISH! that is if i EVER make it there. and guess what. when i proudly announced it over dinner yesterday, my parents were totally unsurprised. which kinda surprised me, after the big hoo-ha i made on psychology, literature and social work without even mentioning sociology once but it turns out daddy and marie actually majored in SOCI too. -.-" that was such a kill joy.

anyhoos, anyone bored should really read art-e. because i looooove art-e. so there!

2005-12-16T08:57:00.000+08:00

the girl who

loves her Bach, Schubert.

and stabbed Ricardo, Smith and Sloman with the same dagger.

spun twice over in her chair

pelted the unsuspecting with shredded colour paper.

did anyone see the moon last night? the kaleidoscope of rainbow hues that lit up the otherwise dull, mysterious and sombre skies as the moon's soft gentle glows emanated from its core, shrouded in a mass of bubble-gum-atapchee-cotton-candy.

too bad i don't own 12 megapixel digicammie that jeffrey (or was it yongxin?) has that is powderful enough to give God's gift justice. all i had then was a pathetic cam-phone. )= how depressing. much as i loved to do otherwise, i tore myself away from the sight, resolving to sit and sketch it at home later. i wasn't ready; i hadnt armed myself with the right utility and neither did i want to compromise on nature's beauty. so ha. it's all or nth. regrettably, mental pictures do not develop into anything tangible either; though that moment would be forever etched in memory. . . or will it? i'm so friggin blur. why can't some smart ass invent sth that can print out mental pictures? )= and besides, for someone who's only all of eighteen years and a couple of months, i was attracting wayyy too much attention. i noticed quite a couple of people who walked past me started looking at me awkwardly and looking up wondering what the heck i was looking at at such a late hour. there werent any stars in sight anyway. mental note: do not stare at moon whilst walking home late at night.

anyway, today i joined the ranks of those part of the presentee-ism movement. yes, for the sake moolah, i betray myself. )= i felt absolutely horrid la. sleep deprivation and a tension headache all at one go. . and the office folks thought i was having a nervous breakdown from too much work. i bet that bitch wished i was so. but that ain't true la, folks. if you're been reading you'd know how B-O-R-E-D i've been at work. . you want evidence? look at your MSN contact list. i'm ONLINE all day. at the office, i have to actively ponder over time fillers i'm gonna use the next day. . i let whatever little work i have accumulate till i actually have something substantial to do. . which usually happens 4-5 days after watching the invoices pile up and disappear in a matter of an hour. it's days like these i wish i cld throw myself into the comforting world of down-feathered pillows and sheets, but NOOOOO. i have to work. work. and work somemore. freddy, BE HAPPY YOU HAVE THE LIBERTY TO SLEEP ANYTIME YOU WANT, that's even if you can't fall asleep.

another noteworthy observation in the office is that errors aren't such a nonentity in this office. in fact, errors almost always characterise most of what goes on here. . and are expected to happen. A LOT. i compiled a staff list out of backdated emails containing bits and pieces of staff information and thought i would be railed for sure, since it was supposed to be the bitch's job but she gave her shit to me knowing full well i knew nuts about the department, much less the faculty. and i was pleasantly surprised - "Oh! This is very good. very little errors. how did you get this? i thought nobody had a copy?" - and now you know why that bitch handed it to me in the first place. was friggin pissed with her ytd, but now i'm just plain irritated. bad enough she had to test my linguistic skills in the 1st week, now she had to insult me by a. DICTATING an email to me when i churned a perfectly nice one that sounded much better than hers anyway. b. reading the one i churned out and deleting it. . IN MY FACE. LIKE HELLO?! i didnt go through 12years of education just to continue taking dictation as i did in primary school. heck, i haven't had anything dictated to me except only in the long forgotten years of primary education. the woes of office politics make me sick to my stomach. it's even worse than the he-she-it's brown floral motif shirt. God forbid i should ever meet him-her-it out on the street with him-her-it's other him-her-it. )=

think happy thots. . think happy thots.

oh yes, and i saw syaiful and his gf ytd. . after so many years, it feels great to finally meet another perc freak. actually it feels indescribably great. except for the fact that he wasnt really in the mood to talk anyhooos. but why am i ALWAYS rmberd as the small one?? WHY WHY WHY?? Someone preeeassseeeee teeeelll MEEEE. )= and yes, CRYSTAL MY PENGUIN MEI YOU ARE NEXT, OKAYYY!!! *hugs hopefully i won't have to give you anymore digi-hugs for a long long time. oh crap, i typed out such a long entry that i've been auto logged out of SAP. )= gtg find the bitch now. .

2005-12-15T09:21:00.000+08:00

crumble.

(read: not apple-banana crumble crumble. *HUNGRY)

What happens when the very person you emulate, spent your whole life trying to become or least imitate suddenly falls from grace and crumbles?

his spirit though not entirely broken,

his drive has lost steam.

the sudden defeatist.

the broken yardstick.

but i'm not lost.

*

2005-12-14T13:45:00.000+08:00

The perfervid woman was by this time half in love with a vision. The fantastic nature of her passion, which lowered her as an intellect, raised her as a soul. If she had had a little more self-control she would have
attenuated the emotion to nothing by sheer reasoning, and so have killed it off.

sudden bout of emo-ness. )=

relationships, in retrospect, have simply been a cycle of sudden exhilaration as we inch closer, transcending boundaries that (perhaps) only exist in my head and finally, after painfully establishing that seemingly and supposedly rock-solid camadarie, the almost imminent but subsequent drifting apart.

drifting. that's the word.

perhaps everyone i meet is doomed to drift away. forever.

and that can be attributed solely to no one else's fault but my own.

so, presently, acquaintances are just a physical manifestation of a future figment of my imagination.

hopefully i dream of everyone when i'm senile.

you're right, you know.
every single thing you said or knew about me.
i don't know how you know.
i may never meet anyone else like you again.
anyone who cld read me like you.
i never will, my revolutionary king.

p.s. anyone bored and looking for a time-filler should read Lee Gek Ling's SIGNALS.

2005-12-13T16:23:00.000+08:00

brrr. i've been so caught up with (doing absolutely nothing at) work that i think i've lost the ability to think. )= i wish i had a more challenging job, or at least sth like karen's marketing@nac that sounds uber challenging. . just today i got such a kick out of binding and shredding the leftover stuff till the shredder triggered off it's stupid alarm that made everyone jump. . it's so bloody quiet that you'd prolly be able to hear a pin a drop on the carpeted floor. yes, i know. cheap thrill.

anyhooos, work work work is getting fun fun fun! hahaha. cos everyone's suddenly all smiles and being extra nice to me. i suspect it's either the buffet or the upcoming christmas party shopping list that might be coming my way. ha. and in the process of everything i get to learn accounting. . not that i'm interested, but i don't mind the free knowledge coming. . at least there's sth to simulate my brain, especially since everything i do is monotonous and sometimes simply BORING.

gtg post payments now. . will update nxt time!

2005-12-12T09:57:00.000+08:00

the top 10 stuff i absolutely love/hate about nus

#10 i get caught using the net and msn but nobody cares cos they the same also.

#9 i get tempted by takeouts other office staff bring in the morning. . *HUNGRY*

#8 it's friggin cold

#7 it's so quiet i cld prolly hear my own pulse if i tried really really hard.

#6 the people here are UBER KAYPOH. (read: if you can read this, YOU'RE TOO CLOSE!) they spy on me ALL THE TIME. wah lao. like stalkers cannnn!

#5 the "highlight" of the job is posting payments -.-" and i share the same initials (note: EC) as the admin officer so i have to be really careful not to authorise anything with an "EC". sth that's quite a handful to do since i'm a friggin blurr person. )=

#4 they either make everything seem uber easy or otherwise. very extreme people who make a lot of assumptions. . but then again, i suppose science-y ppl do that in experiments, right?

#3 MY BOSSES ROCK!! i loveee annnniee!

#2 i get loads of breaks cos i type really really much faster than them and i don't have to wait for the tech officer to fix my com or read manuals to 'solve' problems. thus my workload is often zerorised hours before lunch.

#1 i get caught for being late by the admin officer person and get off the hook! better yet, he even asks me if i had a great weekend. . totally nonchalant (and maybe oblivious) to the fact that i'm really late. . i love this job.

2005-12-08T12:38:00.000+08:00

i absolutely dread lunch.

for starters, my (in)voluntary loss of appetite is back and that equates to an entire cycle of gastric pains, coerced eating, nauseousness, strong urge to puke my guts out and the sickening feeling you get in your stomach when you prevent yourself from running to the toilet to puke it all out. gosh, i can already see bong's disgusted and disapproving look on her face and images of you-know-who. but i swear, i'm not anorexic or bulimic.

so each time i (coerce myself to) eat, i see myself back at Heritage, where everyone gawked at the astonishing meagre i-eat-less-than-the-average-kindergartener portion i eat and i hear brandon's advice - "don't think so much; just shove it down your throat. that's how you overcome it." even now everyone in the office is like, "oh my gosh you're back from lunch already?!" or "wah! you eat so little arh?!". .

. . . like whateverr la.

anywayyys.

another reason why i dread lunch is cos it's the time i see how the snobbish the staff here are. they treat cleaners like they're totally invisible. . to the point of taking them for granted. worse yet, i see the cleaners cower in their presence like they are some lowly being not worthy to be in their presence. . seriously reminds me of Munch's The Scream. . (see pic below)

2005-12-07T15:49:00.000+08:00

i have a bloody nagging headache that won't go away. .
and I KNOW WHO DEVAN NAIR IS OKAYYY.
don't insult my intelligence.
bleahh!!

because the undercurrents are too strong;

2005-12-06T13:06:00.000+08:00

i see things that make me wish i was rendered blind. . both in the literal and non-literal sense. i don't wish to read into anything anymore, that's why i hardly establish/maintain eye contact. i wish whatever i feel inside now could be attributed to teenage angst or pms but i know that'll just be in itself, another lie. i'm the true blue outcast. place me in any context and i stick out like a sore thumb. it's similar to being the poorly made puzzle piece that's either a. supposed to fit somewhere but doesn't; b. fits everywhere till you're totally clueless where it really is supposed to go or c. the lost piece of a puzzle stored away so long ago you don't even remember it exists. the best thing to do with it is to find some personalised, specific use. left the uncreative mind, it's useless. . but that's whole new issue altogether.

And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

2005-12-05T17:40:00.000+08:00

pastor's message was on "the gift of Hope". how apt at a time like this. it struck me hard on how sad my life is to actually have uttered "why can't i just die?" more than once. i regret to even admit the first was early in my life. . and i even wrote a will to divide whatever i had amongst my siblings. . my life (as what i make of it) in a nutshell is a complete mess of organised chaos. i say organised cos by God's grace He guides me through every single 'rational' decision i think myself to make whilst fumbling and groping around in the dark abyss of the unknown. otherwise, it would be utter chaos. it's sad how easily i fall into hopelessness rather than just trusting and at the very most, just hope less. how each time romans 5:3-5 reminds and encourages and yet, i still think of simply cutting everything short and going back home. at this rate, i suppose i won't even have a home. i'm just too disgruntled, too lost, too jealous, too jaded and too empty. i'm going round in circles;

how now brown cow

2005-12-01T13:19:00.000+08:00

Just in case anyone else other than yongxin was wondering. . .i’m far from dead yet! i’m currently saddled with the best job I cld ever have – my duties are a complete no brainer, my boss rocks, I’m saddled with the only guy (other than the professor in the office who’s actually quite cute) and though everything I do is under the watchful eyes and scrutiny of the other folks, because I’m the young, bright-eyed greenhorn, they’re actually quite nice to me. (read: take that with a pinch of salt. i'm not a very perceptive person.) anyways, I’m one happy shit. (= prom was. . BORING. the entire time my eyes were so friggin dry they hurt like crap and i cldnt take a proper friggin photo. worse still, my mascara ran, so by the time i got home, i looked like a bloody haggard drug addict. the games were really blah~ i can't say a thing about the food cos half the time i was either in the toilet or outside taking photos or well. . basically stoning. )= sian. i sound like a bloody loser. shall go back to snooping ard the office and the guy who keeps grinning at me. (read: NO, it's NOT THE PROFESSOR.) will post mini-tidbits here and there when I’m alone in the office again. cos THEY'RE BACK!!!!!

operation lock-down

2005-10-29T18:26:00.000+08:00

i've given counting the days, fell asleep calculating the hours and contemplated expressing the time remaining in minutes (seconds are too tedious for a mathematically challenged person like me) to use the illusion of huge numbers to tell myself i have enough time to complete my revision. which obviously is a manifestation of escapist tendencies.

i'm becoming less abhorrent towards the notion of others calling me a corpse now. i'm plagued by nightmares like the one about this sadistic little kid cutting my guitar strings one by one before scratching its surface and finally wrecking it to the state avril lavigne reduces perfectly fine guitars to in her MTVs. horror of all horrors. (but at least i found out i really care about my guitar.) life is almost like a living nightmare. i eat and sleep irregularly to the point where its really starting to take its toll on me. everyday i wake up to a new family 'emergency' that robs me of nearly every single waking moment i could have better utilised to pitch my bloody grades. it's like they're oblivious to the fact that I HAVE TO STUDY. it's times like these i can be totally selfish and irresponsible and think only of the huge opportunity costs i will incurr instead of being at my family's beck and call. (*note to self: learn to be selfish.)

yes. i'm losing it.

Shout outs from the spotless mind

2005-09-17T18:41:00.000+08:00

I've resolved to make my blogskin gprs-friendly in view of lappy's recent death, that has reduced me into a sore thumbed girl from typing this entry. A little peek into the news lately wld feature lawsuits against ppl whose entries abt singapore are deemed to be defamatory. So brave new world-ish; "no civilisation without social stability, no social stability without individual stability". haha. Anyway i wanna say - happy birthday fangsie! See you aft as!

2005-09-09T20:28:00.000+08:00

it's times like this when i have this strong urge to kick myself.
tomorrow, my ENTIRE FAMILY i.e. mommy, daddy and the sibs are heading to MALACCA leaving me ALONE (read: yes, they actually trust that i'll be alright.) at HOME (read: this should be read in a broad sense, since i'd most likely a. run out of home (read: cos it doesn't make sense to sneak out when no one will be at home) b. stay over at grandma's (think FREE SUMPTUOUS PERANAKAN FARE ALL DAY!) c. mugg the whole day away till i have no sense of time.
NOT FAIR OKAYY.
first, i MISS OUT on the guitar lunch thingy, NOW i don't get to go to malacca cos i have prelims to study for and i need to recover asap from the bout of fevneezles.
everything just screams SIANJEEPUAHHH-NESS!!!!
but mommy's making it all up by offering to buy me sticks. *GRINS HEE HEE. i'm gonna drive them nuts when they come back.
bwahahahaha~ i'm eeeevveeeealllll.
darn. too much iago-ness.

cerebral haemorrhage

2005-09-08T11:57:00.000+08:00

i've got the fevneezles again.
in case that doesnt make sense, it just means i have the disposition to sneeze, be feverish and experience hot and cold flashes and SLEEP! it kinda resembles my science project in primary school. the one about circuitry. it works when i dont want/need it to and doesn't when i will it to. ultimate siannjeepuah-ness.
to make matters worse, my ears are taking turns to be blocked, leaving me perpetually deaf in one ear and having to make a conscientious effort to lip read. blarh~ so taxing.
and worser still - the onset of fevneezles always means whatever little logic inside me gets entirely eroded - the very thing that anyone would need when your prelims are like a few days awayy. .
oh wells. MY GOD PROVIDES. HEE HEE.

many apologies to. .
1. jeffrey, for my no show after you took pains to organise lunch ytd.
2. pangtzewei, for reasons i shall not state lest it incites the anger within you again.
3. yongxin. i forgot why.
and anyone else whom i may have inconvenienced.

wendy's morning call at 6.40am jolted me out of sleep. as usual, i was late for rajoo's consultation which he didnt seem to mind - surprisingly. and as usual, he kept asking if we had andre's essay. . which we didnt. which made him ask why, which made him feel quite bad, cos its ironic his own form class doesnt have the stuff he says we need to have. hmmmms~ why am i narrating. .

people seem to like to talk to me. God knows why.
today some 79 year-old Eurasian gramps struck up a conversation with me about life. . at compass point. when i had a rumbly in my tummy. anyway. it ranged from education to his daughters (the older one, the principal of dunman high and the younger one, some teacher in naval base secondary) to amateur radio to the harmful effects of handphone radiation that could blow my brains.
needless to say, i obviously grinned, laughed and scooted away asap.
i didnt even care if i acted like some bloody fool; i was a hungry girl.
a very hungry girl, who didnt even care if he liked the cantonese because he had a very nice cantonese ah-ma who taught him everything.

othello, antony and cleopatra beckons~

why do i have a penchant for filling up blank voids with nonsense anyway?

2005-09-03T21:35:00.000+08:00

i disgust myself.

i consciously write unbalanced essays and spew illogical nonsense to fill up the blanks on my paper beckoning me to fill them up with an answer.

any answer. (read: DON'T ASK.)

i silently withstand every single dart thrown at me by the very people whom i love the most without so much as a whimper only to bury and muffle out tears and cries under either my pillow or the pattering of a cold shower in the cover of darkness.

shame on me.

so far, i've rolled out the perfect layout for a room (read: screams shopping at ikea), flipped thru the la salle degree course info in shame, visited grandma twice in two days, eyed samsung's E640 with much predilection and done my accounts (read: SERIOUSLY, WHAT AM I DOING LA!) only to realise i have a lovely surplus to indulge in my materialistic and consumerist pursuits (hee~) and a small portion set aside for lozenges, lozenges and more lozenges (am i spelling this correctly??).

the only thing left undone is to -surprise surprise- study. obviously with impending prelims and As glaring in my face, everyone wld supposed i'm buried under work piled all over me. but. . . no. my inaction is a sure fire way to seal my fate in the quickest possible way ever. and i hear daryl's severe warning ringing inside my head.

so shoot me.

a quick peek at my hols schedule - a whole entire wednesday afternoon dedicated to lunching and nonsense with guitar club ppl - i really really should consider solitary confinement. far away from human contact, cell phones, broadband internet access, music, laptops, cable and teeveees.

hmms.

no man's land or any DMZs seem nice.

suffering from an overdose of junk

2005-09-01T13:12:00.000+08:00

i realise i share a love-hate relationship with teachers' day.
in case you don't know yet, my mother is an early childhood educator.
so teachers' day brings forth a day that sees my mother being showered with all things priceless, nice, sweet and chocolate-y by her little students. (to which is my benefit cos i get the chocolates. . HA!)
then i'm confronted with the need to reassess my relationship with my mother.
i feel embarrassed that i pride myself as a daughter of a teacher, knowing and believing it to be a very noble, laborious and thankless vocation and yet, i'm hold myself back from expressing how much i appreciate her.
worse still, i complain of the tight reins she has on me.
i hurt her and daddy, throw darts centred at the very blind spot that hurts the most.
i constantly present myself as a source of worry, sometimes even unwittingly.
. . it's so taxing to be a parent. it's like a life long commitment to be a life long teacher.
the saddest thing is, nobody seems to be remember that parents are teachers too.
dunno la. . i might be thinking too much.
looking at past sketches of the little birdie i stumbled upon just before mid yrs. .
. .the quaint little hse by the sea with quaint egyptian artefacts.
. . the word HELL cos i didnt dare to sketch hell.
. .the sketches of robert frost's poems may look like in pictorial forms. .
. . i should probably stop playing the saint saen song yx sent me tt features a XYLO. it's making me think too much.